Chaos Theory

March 20, 2012 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

Chaos, perceived order, chaos, perceived order.

I won’t say “order,” because I’m not sure that’s exactly what
it is, but it sometimes looks like
order, in that things seem to make sense, and life is calm or happy, or the
check comes in time, or the person you were just thinking of appears, or the
trains all arrive just as you step down to the platform.

Order? Maybe.

My ferret brain is currently perceiving chaos. And
terrified, gnawing on its own limbs in visceral worry, that there will never be
order, even of the perceived kind.

I know that this is
part of the pattern of life – I’ve watched others go through it, I myself have
gone through it – but each time the chaos occurs, it’s like order never
existed; faith, calm, ease, joy, never existed, and never will again. We’re at
the end of days, and time’s up, and meter’s run out, and you’re screwed.

Do you ever get that?

Fear brain is in hyper-drive, and so the small action steps
I’m supposed to be taking are all the more important. My fear brain is stuck in
the gear of “you have no income, no prospects, no job, no career, no ambition
to a career, you’re lost and will never be found, and get used to asking for
handouts…again.”

Silly brain. I feel it. I get it. I am thrown by it, and
sometimes owned by it. Like today.

But, there are a few chinks in this armor of fear, and one
was an exercise in the Money Drunk, Money Sober book: “What would it feel like to let go of desperation? Explore.”

Hmm. Let go of desperation? Well, as I wrote in my Morning
Pages today, it’d feel like freedom, calm, availability, faith. It’d feel like
being open to what’s around me, the perceived order where coincidences do
happen, and help is available, and guidance is sure and strong.

To let go of desperation, would mean letting go of
smallness, isolation triggered by fear and financial insecurity (or fear of
financial insecurity). You know, “No, I can’t join you at that awesome event, I
don’t have any money.”

I was sent an email from a friend who I’m in irregular touch
with, so, it was rather unexpected. It’s for a job that my closed-off brain
says is too low paying, sounds too overworking, and is in a non-profit, which
usually means (or has meant in my experience) that half the time, if not more,
is spent on trying to beg funds from people.

I do that enough in my real life, eh?

That said, one of the other suggestions I read last night in
that book was: Step 1: Get. A. Job. And,
hello, applying to something is not the same as taking anything. And it would
be good for me to get off my high horse/pity-pot and just start to apply to
shit.

Cuz…here’s the fear brain ferret’s mantra: You don’t have
rent for May.

Here’s the recovery brain’s mantra: Next right action.

I have rent and all expenses for April, covered. I have
shelter, clothing, food (though in my typical pattern, I’ve scrimped on getting
to the grocery store this month, and thus have spent much more in eating out than
planned). I have this internet connection, hot water, shampoo, coffee, art
supplies, happy yellow rain boots.

Plus, I have all the resources of friends and fellowship
that I could want, if I avail myself of them.

There’s a line from another book which states something like
the following: Given the choice between going on to the bitter end, blotting
out the reality of our situation, and accepting help, we often balk at the
choice. Stall, hem and haw, measure our options.

Options: go to hell in a handbasket – OR – take an action
step. Hmmm…..

It is as much perceived
chaos as it is perceived order. There isn’t chaos here in my life at the moment
– there’s a tantrum. And a choice. I can give myself the gift of clear
direction, and let go of desperation by taking action. Or, I can continue to
pin abundant affirmations to my walls and discount unexpected emails.

My best ideas continue to send me to the edge – may I now
please accept a different solution?

abundance · fear · finances · letting go · love

Two-Way Street

January 28, 2012 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

The phrase I hear in certain spiritual circles, You have to give it away in order to keep it,
has always bothered me. So, lately, knowing I’m coming up against this as a
block, I’ve been altering it to, I have to share it in order to keep it, just to make myself feel better about it.

I made a few realizations recently about my reluctance to
share. Notably, in each case when I’ve been “down on my luck” financially, and
have gone into what I call “lock-down mode,” I’ve been forced to surrender, and
let go of my pride, or my ideas, and let other people know what’s going on, and let them help me.

It occurs to me that lock-down mode is a closed circuit. It
says, anything that I get, I must hold on to fiercely, because I don’t know if
I will ever get more (this goes for love, and finances, and jobs, and
creativity, and more, I’m sure).

Lock-down mode is also a closed circuit because it is like
battening down the hatches of a ship, bracing for a storm. Don’t move, or you’ll be swept overboard.

In these circumstances when I’ve locked-down, it’s been like
increasing the speed of a flushing toilet, I realize. It’s gotten worse,
not better, faster.

Abundance, community, love, creativity, require an open channel, an open circuit, one which allows energy in, and allows energy out.

I reported on here a little while ago about a meditation
where I noticed that although still reluctant to do so, I allowed energy to
pass through me into those behind me, instead of, as I’d done in a previous
version of this meditation, simply fill others from my own bucket, denying and
absolutely refusing to take in from those sending to me.

Either ends of this constriction is a closed circuit,
depleting, and ultimately self-defeating.

Whether I choose to lock-down, and absorb, reach for, demand
everything I can, and horde it; or, whether I choose to close off the inflow,
and simply – and resolutely – give to you from my own bucket. This, is not a
channel.

When someone had mentioned to me recently that I have to
close these holes in order to be able to hold abundance, that there are places
where I’m letting it seep from me, and will never in fact be able to hold it,
this is a place of that fissure. Seems ironic that in order to have abundance I must begin to stop holding it, but, such is the paradox of spiritual
axioms.

To quote what I’ve heard, There is enough time, there is
enough love, there is enough money. Therefore, if there is enough, then I don’t need to hold on to it.

And, I need to address the other side too, the part of the
inflow. Like in Tuesday night’s class when I’d recognized how little I’d been
letting other people “give” to me.

In the moments when I’ve been broke, looking at the price of
Ramen noodles in the discount grocery store, I’ve let go. I’ve stopped folding
the end of the hose, and let it open, fear or not. And, miraculously, I’ve been
taken care of … abundantly 😉

So, there are two sides of this constriction that I would
like to address. The part that says, I can give to you, but you can’t give to
me. And the part that says, once I’ve got anything at all, I’m holding onto it
for dear life.

The “dear life,” it seems, occurs only, only when I do let go of strangling it.

action · adventure · compassion · courage · creativity · finances · forgiveness · gratitude · growth · joy · recovery · relationships · responsibility · romance · self-care · spirituality

Wet Concrete.

December 23, 2011 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

Today is the last day of work before the winter break. And
although mine is polka-dotted with gorgeous adventures with wonderful women,
what i’m really looking forward to is sleep! And cleaning my apartment.

There’s some kind of shift happening, or a solidification
rather. I feel the cement getting stronger beneath my feet. As though I have
poured the foundation, and it’s looked messy and strange – like getting a
degree in poetry, putting together an art show, cleaning out my childhood home
for sale, getting out of a relationship, beginning to audition for theater. I
haven’t known what any of these pieces have meant as they’ve come up and I
examine them and lay them down, like Indy choosing the right chalice at the end
of Last Crusade, hmm, consider, lay aside.
I’ve just been picking up these pieces with curiosity.

And now they’re all poured into the mold of my life’s
foundation, and I can’t explain to you why, but there is a joy that is arising
that feels so uniquely new and pervasive, that I know these are associated.
With a stronger foundation to stand on, I’m freer to explore, create, test
theories, fail, try. I’m no longer standing on quick-sand, undermining myself
as soon as a notion crosses my mind or path.

I also know that there are likely a thousand more things
that will go in this foundation, that it won’t ever be “complete,” but isn’t
that the point of life? (She says with any idea like she knows what “the point”
of life is!!)

But, I tell you, something is happening. Which is a good
thing, because I can spin out into “I have no idea what’s happening/going to
happen”-land really quickly.

For now, today is my last day of 2011 working at a job I
enjoy. I’ve been asked to come back on January 3^rd when the office
reopens, and it has been suggested to pay off my credit cards with this money
I’ll earn, instead of ear-mark it for a car, … but we’ll see 😉 My credit cards
don’t have high balances (no one ever trusted me enough to give me too much
credit! – including myself), but the interest rates are exorbitant, and one of my tasks is to call to ask for a lower
rate. I’ve done this before, and they’ve said no. I’ve done this recently, and
they’ve said no.

But the woman who suggested it said that this is one of
those holes that needs to be closed up. Why pour water into a sieve? In order
for me to hold abundance in my life, there are places where I need to be ready
to receive it. So, this is one of those action places, a place where the
foundation can become firmer. The woman also suggested a script for calling
them, some key phrases and an attitude, that scare the crap out of me. Because
they mean taking true accountability and responsibility for myself and my
finances by letting someone else know that this is not okay. Paying almost 20%
on a credit card, and not touching the principal is (apparently!) not okay. And
I need to close these holes. I also will let go of the results, because they
may still say no, but the action of taking action to care for myself and
respect my own boundaries is the lesson, and the trial.

I get reflective around the turn of the year, and around my
birthday. For all the floundering I sometimes believe I’m doing in my life, the
truth is that progress is being made. It has not been the easiest year, and the
hardships have variously set me to a variety of tasks and new things:

the
breakup caused me to lean on my girlfriends, and have the experience of getting
through that “slammed by a mack truck”ness of early breakup;
the breakup led to
rebounding, which produced my best painting yet (in my opinion) – lol;
the
japan disaster prompted my friend to host an art show with donation to japan at
which she asked me to read my poetry, for my first time in public outside of
the school community;
my bitterly harrowing lack of income over the summer
caused me to get in with a community of people who work on financial security
and abundance issues;
later, working too
much caused me to come up against boundaries of self-care and are helping me to
say yes and no with integrity;
packing up my childhood home for sale caused me to root out the sadness and
grief that lived there, and here in my heart, and to begin to perspectivize 😉
it with more serenity;
having that wonky conversation with my mom over the
summer caused me to take space to reassess how I am able to engage with her in
ways that feel mutual, responsible, respectful, and loving to us both;
being
single caused me to pick up Calling in the One to help foster love and care within myself and help
to radiate outward;
my grandmother, my dad’s mom, is dying, and this is causing
me to see my dad with more compassion than I have, perhaps, ever, and to listen
to him as a person, not as “Dad” with all its attendant baggage and
expectations.

So, there’s just some reflections which come immediately to
mind. There are more. But as the saying goes something like, “out of every season of grief, when life seemed heavy or unjust, new lessons for life are learned and new resources of growth and courage are discovered.” And for me, these seasons of grief were simply filtering out the junk in the pouring concrete.

action · balance · finances · integrity · letting go · maturity · responsibility · school · self-care · spirituality

Suddenly Seymour

December 14, 2011 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

I did it again. I agreed to a job that I didn’t stop to
consider whether I wanted to do it, but rather whether I could do it.

At about 3pm yesterday, I get an email from a woman I’ve
babysat for before saying her sitter cancelled, and could I sit for her
tonight. Almost immediately, without pausing to consider one way or the other, I
email her back and say thank you, but I have my final paper due for school
tomorrow, and I really need to concentrate on getting that done. But think of
me for next time.

Then, my brain starts in. Couldn’t I finish the paper before
I sit for them? Sure, I’ll barely get home, scarf down some food, and rush out
to BART where she’ll pick me up, but I could do it, right? I mean, I want her
to know I’m a reliable babysitter, someone she can call on to pay me x amount
of money. If I don’t take this job, she won’t think of me next time. If I don’t
take this job, I’ll be out a handful of cash, and I could use it.

So.Many.“Could”s. I could do it. So, I email her back, and
say, you know what, I think I can do it. Let’s meet at this BART station at
this time.

Then, all of the reality of my over-commiting sinks in.
Really, Molly? I’m actually back at home, jacket still on, sitting on my floor with my
Shakespeare paper open on my laptop when I realize that I’ve done it again.
(Oops) 😛

And so, now, at the last minute, I text her and let her know
that I thought I could do it, but I really can’t, and that I’m so sorry for
accepting a job that I couldn’t really take. She texts me back to say No
worries. But, it stuck with me.

This is one of those death-rattle behaviors. These are the
last vestiges, it feels to me, of a behavior that is on its way out. But, as is
usually the case, the Universe will give me a few more opportunities to see if
I’m really willing to let go of accepting things I don’t want to do, can’t do,
feel I “should” do. Am I ready to stop chasing the crumbs?

Cuz that’s part of what it comes down to. If I don’t show up
for this thing you’ve asked of me, you won’t give me love, esteem, validation.
If I don’t show up, even in a resentful, exhausted, crippled manner, you will
forget about me and I will be invisible.

Obviously, to a rational observer, these are lies. As more
likely, when I am rested, refilled, and available in mind and body, then am I more able to give anything at all.
People are not asking me to give from the dregs of my well to them. They’re
asking normal questions. And I’m offering them my dregs. That’s not fair to
anyone involved, and certainly, then, when I flake.

I had a situation this weekend where a woman had agreed to
meet me at a time and place, and I made effort to get into the city to do so.
While I’m on BART, she texts to say she can’t make it, and I’m furious. Way
more pissed than the situation calls for – and I know it’s because it’s the
same behavior I dislike in myself. Why agree to something when you know you
can’t do it?

My flakiness is a result of agreeing to stuff that I can’t
show up for. I agree to stuff I can’t show up for because I maintain a system
of belief that you will only love me and care about me if I’m Super Molly. I am
willing to let this go, because it’s just not working anymore. Super Molly is a
flake, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’d rather be human Molly, making
commitments I know I can, and showing up to those fully and without resentment.
I’d rather be human Molly who doesn’t need to feed on the approval of others
for my sustenance. As human Molly, it means that I am equal to
you – no better, no worse, and I don’t have to prove I’m either.

Finally, in meditation this morning, I had the song
“Suddenly Seymour” from Little Shop of Horrors come to me (yes, sometimes my meditations are weird). But what
occurred to me about it is that the song’s “Seymour” = my Higher Power. (fyi, i get tons of puns and sight gags in my dreams and meditations. my mind/heart is one that would cook something like this up with no problem!) My HP is “here to provide me” with
everything I need. My HP, “treating me kindly” with “sweet understanding.”* I don’t need to depend on others’ approval for my
self-esteem, I don’t need to depend on my fear-based thoughts when I answer
requests from others, I don’t need to dig from my dregs to be a member of this
world. We’ll see how willing I am to let go of all of this when the next
opportunity comes up, but (I hope) for today, Seymour’s my man.

*and because I can’t resist… “I’d meet a dollar/approval, I’d follow it blindly – A job snaps its fingers, Me? I’d say sure!”

abundance · action · courage · direction · faith · fear · finances · Jewish · joy · letting go · life · responsibility · synchronicity

Effective but Wordless Chant

November 30, 2011 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

So I did look at one SF apartment ad today. It was through
my old employer, a property management company, which is how I got my sweet
deals on my SF and Oakland apartments. Granted, it wasn’t a handout-out, I
worked well there – maybe not that hard, but it wasn’t that challenging or enticing, and
eventually I found myself overcome by the Ugly Cries (maya’s accurate term) in my car at lunch one Friday on the phone
with a friend having another job existential crisis.

That day I gave my two weeks notice, that night I threw my 1st pre-Valentine’s party, the following day, I went blonde. This was almost 3 years
ago now. My boss wasn’t pleased, but he knew I wasn’t happy –
that I wanted to do something creative, anything.

So that began several months – two, to be exact – of
job hunting. I remember I didn’t even tell my parents I’d quit my job and was
looking for work cuz I just couldn’t face their “Are you kidding me, in this economy??” spiel. It was hard then – I had notes all
over my SF apartment – “This is a world of grace and abundance and I am letting
go.”

A friend afterward told me to change to wording to “–and I
allow myself to receive” – more “open.”

Two years before that, I’d been “downsized” from a corporate
real estate firm, my first long term gig in SF, and was on unemployment for the
full 6 months. The first month? Awesome – yay paid vacation. By the end of six months? I was desperate. I began to
answer every ad. The very week my unemployment was going to run out, I had two job interviews one day, and I’m driving to one of
them, out somewhere near Bayview, and I’m in my car and I have this
mini-epiphany: I had every single thing I needed at that moment. I had eaten
breakfast, I had coffee in me, I had gas in my car – I didn’t need anything
else at that moment – no money in my hand, nothing. For that moment, I was
completely taken care of.

I forget what it was now, but I even began this little chant
while I was on my way to that interview. Something about being content and
caffeinated, or something? That afternoon, I had my other interview – at the
property management firm. And I got that job. The woman I was replacing
happened to be out sick that day (she was going on maternity leave), and so I
interviewed with the owner of the company – and we got along fabulously. (A big part of me feels that had I met the woman instead, I wouldn’t have made it through the door.) The
mug that I’m drinking out of now, he gave to me because he got tired of me
using the one that had a photo of his kids printed on it for my coffee (it was
the biggest mug!, What?). The one he bought has sort of colorful swirls on it,
and he said it reminded him of the tattoo on my wrist.

So, yeah, he wasn’t pleased when I left my job with them,
but, obviously still liked me enough to let me have parties in my SF apartment,
and to move here into the Oakland one on a slight deal. – actually, it’s a really good deal, i
should be (and am!) really grateful – the rent isn’t that much cheaper, but I didn’t
have to pay security deposit, or pet deposit, so that’s quite generous.

Reminds me the theme of today’s CITO is generosity …

But, back to grace and abundance, and letting go – or
“receiving” rather.

I quit that job with the property management, and spent two
months looking for creative work, again. And finally what happened was I woke
up one morning and asked myself, still groggy from sleep and receptive to the universe, What else
am I interested in?

The reply came, Well, I like being Jewish. … So I typed “Jewish San Francisco” into
Google, and applied to every position there was.

I got one of those positions. (Actually I applied to one I didn’t get, but my resume got passed along to someone else in this Jewish
education non-profit, and I got that job
– for which I was surely more well suited.) …

Then, on a not so whimish been-looking-at-the-college’s-website-for-three-years whim, I apply to the MFA program, and get in. (Note, there: I actually intended to apply to the Master’s in Literature Program, but didn’t have a current academic paper, and am pretty sure none of my professors from college remember me … but the admissions coordinator for the English Department told me that the MFA program, I just needed 15-20 recent poems. How many did I happen to have recently? 16.) Nudgey McNudgerson, you sly Universe, you.

I dunno. I guess I’m feeling reflective about all of this –
about all of my “being taken care of” and steered into a more … “Molly” direction — because I have no clue what’s going to
happen when school is over in May. I quite imagine that it will work out well –
and I also imagine I’ll freak out a bit anyway.

But, if any of the above isn’t evidence that I’m being
gently but firmly guided, I don’t know what is.

So, Universe, Let me be receptive to the strange and unusual
nudges you have to give me. I sit here, in a heated apartment, with food in my
belly, electricity running, December rent paid, and I’m chanting the tune to
that chant whose words I no longer remember. Amen.

action · balance · coffee · finances · persistence · poetry · responsibility · school

Hunkering Down & No Drastic Movements

November 28, 2011 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

These were two things Patsy said to me this morning – to
hunker down in school work mode – which I have actually diligently done today –
you can check out the most recent installation of my poetry thesis on the MVD
page (it’s 9 poems, laid out to sort of make sense as a mini-collection). I
have to meet with my thesis advisor tomorrow for our second meeting.

At our first, she said, “over produce and cut back.” So, I
got paralyzed by that(!), and blundered along writing my poem-a-week for my
workshop class, and that’s pretty much what I’ve got. But, today, I did sit in
a café with ALL the comments from my peers and professor, and sifted through
it all. I copied the comments I liked onto my master copy, making my own
new edits, with fresh eyes and some space from having written them.

Just now, I put them all into one document and edited the
hell out of them. And in very much likelihood, they still need or want work –
it’s like a painting, or a recipe – sometimes you’re not sure there’s something
missing till you add salt, and suddenly it comes alive – poetry is like that –
there can be one thing somehow off by a degree. But also, people’s barometers
are calibrated differently 😛

But, it’s done, for tomorrow’s purposes at least, so that’s
one huge thing off my mind/plate.

As to “No Drastic Movements”, Patsy suggested that perhaps
this week of all weeks (the 2^nd to last one of school when I am so
aggrievedly badly procrastinatorily overworkedly behind), perhaps I shouldn’t:
break the 6 months silence with my mom; look at ads on craigslist for SF
apartments; look at ads for hybrid cars; flagellate myself for going over my monthly spending plan; or do
any other such thing as would be drastic.

This week at least 😉

Despite the fact that I am over my spending plan for this
month (an interminable month, if you’re
looking at it through my financial numbers; though staggering to realize it’s
nearly December!), I am in need of groceries. So, today on my way out of the
city, I bought myself a pound of coffee. I still need to get to the real
grocery store over here and stock up, but it felt like, SO THE FUCK WHAT – YOU
NEED TO EAT – GO BUY SOMETHING silly girl, for christ’s sake. Martyrdom is way overrated. And I’m really f’ing sure that not having
any groceries is not what this whole “financially solvent” thing is about.

Yes – I bought clothing that wasn’t in my
plan (work appropriate! Though I did turn away from the oh so
sinfully supple black leather jacket at Bloomingdales) – and I also bought
myself a facial yesterday, because I’m exhausted and needed the recharge. I
knew these weren’t in the plan – but I earned more than I anticipated this
month …

However, I know that
pattern of my behavior – it looks like, Eh, a little more won’t hurt – it’s self care,
or it’s my friend’s favorite color,
or so what, my dvd from the library is two weeks overdue. …

And then finally, it once again looks like an empty fridge
without the finances to refill it. It always looks like that in the end. I know
that place.

So, here I am, seeing it early – “Awareness, Acceptance,
Action,” right? But, I am also self-flagellating ;P

I’m a little punch-drunk from staring at my poetry and
reading the rest of The Tempest today,
so I’m signing off.

Lastly though, I did all
of my dishes this morning. And, really, that counts for something.

abundance · family · finances · holidays · joy · responsibility

Thanks-Giving Myself the Day Off

November 11, 2011August 9, 2017 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

My girl friend texted me yesterday to ask if I had
Thanksgiving plans, and then invited me to spend it with her family. I thanked
her, but told her I’d consider it and get back to her. What I had to consider
were my many little plans and designs. …

The first of which was whether to pick up the catering shift I was offered. In fact, they asked if I’m available on all the upcoming
holidays – Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. And zoom
– my fear brain goes, Of course! I’m not busy those days, I’m not working my
temp job, so I’m not earning on those days – I should do it. (Pause 1:
“Should”). I don’t have any plans yet, East Coast orphan that I am, I don’t
have any family here, and my friend who hosted last year said that it was too
expensive to do it this year. I won’t be hosting, as I now live in Oakland… and no
one comes over to this side! and also my apartment isn’t big enough.

…Then, I start to consider every other East Coast orphan (San Francisco has a lot, and we tend to gravitate toward each other) And I begin to wonder what they’ll be doing–

And I wouldn’t want to leave my friends high and dry on the
holidays–

And I better make sure they have plans–

Or maybe I’ll host anyway–

Or maybe I’ll ask someone else to host–

And wouldn’t it be nice to have all my friends together for
the holiday, if I can only figure it out. (Pause 2: “Figure it out”)

Or maybe …

Maybe, (breathe), I will simply show up to a friend’s family
dinner with homemade pumpkin pie, and a smile.

I asked my financial savvy buddies what they thought about
my working on a or all holidays, and they said, a) ask my HP (higher power –
i.e. get quiet and ask myself what is the “Super Molly” thing to do, and what
is the “Human Molly” thing to do), and b) maybe choose only one holiday to work –
perhaps one that isn’t while I’m also in school. (FYI, catering is not as
easy as just serving plates – it’s hauling cases of water glasses, wine glasses, champagne glasses, salad plates, dinner plates, dessert plates, table linens, tables, decks of
wooden chairs, wine, water, and food up and down flights of stairs or across lawns, all while
attempting to not look like you’re breaking a sweat in front of the client – It
usually knocks me out for the entire next day, as my body is not
nearly as resilient as it used to be.)

What would “Human Molly” do? Hmm. Well, first off, she loves holidays. I do. I absolutely could squeal with
delight about the holidays. I love the memories I have of them, the smells
associated, the warmth I feel that permeates all layers of skin and soul. I
love them. I get squishy thinking about them. – When I was living in South
Korea for two years, they did not get squishy about Christmas – or, duh, Thanksgiving.
They got a little commercial about it, sure, with some inflatable Santas and
some tinsel in the department stores – but for the most part, it was an
atheist’s wet dream winter season. And, how I missed home then. – I have come to conclude that my
affinity for the holidays has a lot to do with the fact that it was pretty much
the only time of year my family acted normal. We had people over – which never
ever happened during the rest of the year. We had smiles and played nice, and
façade or not, I loved it. It made me feel safe, and like maybe not everything
was fucked.

Luckily, I now know what I need to earn in November and therefore how
much I need to work. And the reality is, I don’t need to work on Thanksgiving: the “should”s (see above)
are always a major tip off I’m about to put myself in a situation I’ll resent
or regret.

I am also aware that anything I feel a frantic need to
“figure out” is a sign that I’m trying to organize things that likely don’t
need to be organized. My fellow East Coasters are entirely capable of figuring
out their own plans – they’re not asking me to create their holiday, and I will
feel much calmer not trying to create them!

So, as you might have guessed by now, I texted my girl
friend back this morning telling her that I would love to join her family for
Thanksgiving. Relieved of my own machinations, I can now look forward to just showing up – with pie. 😉

Hosting Thanksgiving 2009 in my SF apartment. (Turkey never made it to the table!)

abundance · action · coffee · finances · love · self-care

Asian Hipster Abundance

November 10, 2011 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

This morning as I was trudging up from the dungeon of Montgomery Street BART, there was an asian hipster dude a few paces in front of me,
and he’s bobbin to his music, and then he’s really swaggering it, and then he
begins to bark out some phrases, and then he begins to clap with wide arm
gestures. With every increasing jaunt of his, my smile begins to get wider, and
I follow him for about a block or so, smiling to myself as a few short stints
of sunlight shine through the buildings onto my face. And I ask myself to
remember this feeling – at least for a little while.

I’m now working 3 days a week in SF as a temp at an interior
design firm. And sometimes it’s sort of cool, and I’m looking at massive design
books of ridiculously fancy homes and touching pretty fabrics from a new line –
but mostly, it’s the same admin work any admin anywhere does – cataloguing,
entering, organizing … mind-numbing, I think my eyes are bleeding work.

That said, I’m tremendously grateful to have this job.
Firstly, the people are quite excellent – at a former temp job, I had a very
“that’s my stapler” cubicle tenant adjacent to mine, and it was always a fine
line between being immensely entertained and alarmed – particularly when the
continuous murmuring monologue included sudden bouts of loud expletives.
Secondly, I’m a graduate student, living off student loans with absolutely zero
savings, and much like unemployment, student loans pay you almost enough, but really not enough. Well, not enough for
a studio apartment in the Bay Area at least – which, yes, was a conscious
choice I made rather than have roommates.

And so, when this temp job was offered to me, despite also
being a full-time student, it was like manna from heaven. I worked with this
company over the summer – it was like manna then too – and they asked for me
back. So, I’m back. I’m also babysitting, catering, and … well, yeah, that’s
it for now (although artist’s model auditions come up in January again – I
missed them last time. I auditioned with a different company once before and it
wasn’t as weird as it was simply difficult to remain super still for 20
minutes!)

So, suffice it to say that today, after a few mind numbing
hours in front of a computer screen, it was hard for me to maintain the jaunty
optimism of the asian hipster, but I’m glad to remember him and his yellow
backpack right now.

I’ve been tracking my income and expenses much more closely,
but with purpose, since August. Prior to that, about a year or more ago, I
started to track my expenses, but just got pissed at myself that I was spending
so much money on coffee. And thinking self-flagellation was not a mile-marker
on the road to serenity, and not really having any idea what to do with that
information, I stopped keeping track. But, then it was August, and I’m
contemplating ramen, canned tuna, and an empty fridge – again – it was time to address
this – again. So, I reached out to people who do this sort of thing (this
frighteningly adult sort of thing) called “having clarity around finances”, and
started to keep my numbers again. ~ and I was amused to note that in August, I
spent $8.00 on coffee. Not the omigoditmustbelike$100 paranoid number I’d
imagined!

After tracking my expenses, I work with these folks to create a spending plan. It was
surprising to learn from my friends that I was “underspending” aka depriving
myself in all sorts of categories like food, clothing, and personal items
(apparently $1.34 a month-for a toothbrush-is not an act of self care!). And
so, I’ve begun spending within my newly clarified means – confirming abundance, and also confirming the
fact that I actually *do* have this money. I just haven’t known where it is, or
where it goes, hence my whole “binge and purge” financial routine.

The advanced part of this exercise is the income plan. This means that yes, YAY! I get to buy
the fancy shampoo that is kind to my chemically straightened hair (bad idea), but
that I have to earn the appropriate income to support a habit of self-care. And
I like this new habit of
self-care – this month I actually added in a category, modest though it is, for
flowers. And there they are, right here on my desk. 🙂

So, yes, I work in a job that is more exhausting by how sedentary it is, and yes, I
woke up this morning at 6am to write a paper and went directly from work to
class until 9:30pm tonight, but a) it won’t always be like this, b) I’m grooving
patterns of responsibility and evenness (not the mania of “how am I going to
pay my rent???”), and c) … well, I really like coffee.