Without a Net.

May 23, 2019 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

5.23.19.jpg In the midst of wedding preparation, training to be a part-time fitness instructor, and finishing up school-year projects and grading, I’m also in a phase of planning that feels to overlay, underlay, highlight, heighten, and dwarf everything else in its wake:

Pregnancy.

The certain madness that a person so in-and-out of a relationship with her partner would commit on such a grand and irrevocable scale is both ludicrous and … natural.

J and I have had “the kid talk” many times in our being together, and while his worries (time and money) haven’t lessened, his anticipation and (could it be?) hope have increased.

For my part, I’ve gone through a bipolar vortex of “Don’t add more consumption to the world; What world is it you’re bringing new life into anyway,” followed immediately on its heels by “I cannot picture living out my life without experiencing this; I cannot picture not sharing this extraordinary existence with new life.”

It’s been a roller coaster, for me and for him! He’ll ask every week or so: “‘Anthrax and Permafrost’, or ‘Rainbows and Lollipops’?” It’s hard to know which answer will pop forth!

In truth, it’s both. But, then, isn’t life?

I texted a girlfriend yesterday about a wedding DJ (because, yes, 6 weeks out, we have no music set!), and she gave a “squee, so exciting!” reply. Which developed into an exchange that included: “Yes, it’s not a fairy tale” and “Relationships are f*cking work, dude!”

Because there’s also the nuts and bolts, the scales that fall from whatever vision of pure bliss we’ve all been conditioned to hold.

When J and I met, he said that he was looking for a “no-maintenance relationship.” Bah HAHAHA. Oh, did my girlfriends and I have a good laugh over that;) He even looked it up online when I protested its existence and when a result came up from a male blogger, he said, “See?!”

Then … he read the article,

wherein the author related, “There’s no such thing as a ‘no-maintenance relationship.'” J was deeply thrown:)

As I say about my work, my relationship is “good, and it’s hard, and it’s good, and it’s hard.”

I’m reading Michelle Obama’s memoir and have been so heartened to read how she and her husband have had to work repeatedly at maintaining, strengthening, and fostering their relationship. The Golden Couple works at it! I’m delighted to know this because it means: I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. It means that we all, up and down the ranks of humanity, are showing up daily to make a go of this great experiment.

The joy and fervor of laughter that is shared between us, the deep trust and faith in one another, the steadying foundation of love is coexisting with our frustrations, disappointments, and repeated calls to the table.

In what feels like a telescoping smack of my utopian vision, I am growing up. Scales are falling, but what’s revealed isn’t bad or wrong. It’s reality; it’s truth.

And the only way to build a shared (or individual) life is from the foundation of that truth.

action · goals · honesty

If Wishes Were Horses…

August 21, 2018 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

8.21.18.jpg In some reading or other, I learned about the difference between Wishes, Dreams, and Goals. As I remember it:

Wishes are desires you aren’t willing to work toward.
Dreams are desires you aren’t sure how to work toward.
Goals are desires you’ve made a plan to work toward.

Writing the other day that I wish I had a lifted seat (ham-hocks!!!) made me reflect that it’s actually a Dream of mine, not a Wish. I am willing to work toward it, I’m just not entirely sure how to attain it.

Which makes me reflect further that, in truth, I do know how to attain it… I’m just not willing to work for it, so it is a Wish after all. Ha!

So, where the rubber meets the road is where I have to be honest about my true willingness to achieve what I want. Surrrre, a hot ass would be AWESOME! Buuut, did you know what nearly all the literature and friend advice says?: Do squats. Ugh. How boring. And so, it goes from Dream (doing research) back into Wish (Meh, too hard).

Where it hasn’t gone — and here’s where I’m beginning to suspect the magic is — is into Goals. Into becoming true and actionable, with action steps, and deadlines, and dates Goals.

Okay okay, so maybe a lifted seat doesn’t get your relatable meter running, but maybe “Earn my small plane pilot’s license” or “Record the score for my musical lyrics” or “Earn a Second Bachelor’s Degree in Physics.”

Whatever floats your boat.

Goals are on my mind today because my Weekly Goals Group call is this afternoon and our question for this week is, “What are your Goals?” Eek. It’s a little more specific than that (what are the major areas of your life and what are your goals in each for the next 1, 5, 10, 20 years), but when we read aloud the question of the week last time, all of us ladies on the line laughed out loud, absolute hilarity ensured for over a minute.

As if the idea of nailing the whirling dervish of our wishes and dreams down onto the page was as ridiculous as hunting unicorns and pixies.

Oh, how we laughed, too, sheepish and blushing, because this is the spot we avoid. Don’t make me look! Like a sore tooth, we just chew on the other side; we make due not using our all, we pretend that this is a normal state of being. And we laugh at the idiocy of the suggestion to face the aching tooth.

Goals necessitate that a person must be specific about what they desire, and then nail it to a calendar, or routine, or practice. A goal is not a fairy; a goal is one unavoidable action at a time. A goal is a partnership that holds you accountable so you can’t kick your desires down the pages of a calendar.

A goal is so real and, therefore, so vulnerable. (Hence the hilarity giggles.)

A goal being a real thing means it’s subject to struggle and injury. But it is also capable of growth.

Wishes and Dreams do not grow. They are the things of childhood fancy.

A Goal is a Grown-Up tool—and a dance partner—and it begs and invites you to dance with it, every f*ing day. Ugh.

beauty · habits · maturity

The Usual.

August 11, 2018August 11, 2018 Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

8.11.18 Anyone who witnessed my reading of Gretchen Rubin’s habit book, Better Than Before: What I Learned about Making and Breaking Habits, knows that I have some trouble making, and keeping, habits I’d like to reinforce.

But that’s not what today’s blog is about. Instead, today is about relishing and delighting in some of my habits (which is precisely the point of that book, btw).

Yesterday, I went to the nail salon to get my toes did, as I do a few times a year. As the woman was finishing up, she asked what I thought of the color.

“I’ve gotten this color almost every time for the last year—I love it,” I laughed. “It’s just so nice to find something that works and stick with it.”

The 20something in the next chair side-eyed me with alarm and disgust.

I hear her. I understand that one of the treats of getting your nails done is the thrill of trying something new: feeling into yourself what mood you’re in, what aura you want to project, what mood you’d like to be in.

But, lady, I’m about to be 37. I’ve done my nails. I’ve “felt into myself” (don’t be creepy) for years, and I’m kinda done.

When I was in college, I brought with me a giant Sketchers shoebox brimful of nail polish bottles. Teal, Topaz, Magenta, Glitter. Girl, I’ve tasted the rainbow. Tried it on, taken it off, pasted it on again.

And now I’m old. Now I have other brain cells I’d like to use.

We each get decision exhaustion by the end of a day. A time when we’ve used up our store of “This or that?” and frankly, nail polish is not one of the things I’d like to use it up on anymore!

I want habit! I want usual! I want easy breezy beautiful, baby!

So, yes, I do love the sparkly, sexy red, like I dipped my toes in pulverized ruby slippers. I love the peek of red out of my sandals, sophistication with a dash of coy playfulness.

I love that I drink 2 cups of coffee each morning. That I eat 3 eggs, no matter what. I love that I wash my hair on prescribed days of the week and make my bed without thinking about it. My mornings are nearly perfect in their efficiency of decision-making, or absence of decision-making.

This frees up my brain to decide other things, to focus on the margins that aren’t habitual. These are the places of excitement now: Go to the theater. Dress up. Try a new book. Read a new piece of research.

What will I do in the places I’ve opened up for myself by not constantly making choices?

Further, I love the habits I’ve formed—the healthy ones, at least!—as they give me their own kind of thrill. You could say that it’s like a machine, how boring. Or like a well-oiled machine, how sleek and confident.

Acting out these non-decisions make me feel like I have a center of person, places I know I want to reinforce over and again. Places that form the ground of who I am.

“I am a person who X.” And as Pamela Druckerman writes about in her newest book, There Are No Grown-Ups, confidence in our person is what our 40s are all about.

action · avoidance · progress

Eating Frogs.

April 21, 2018 Molly Daniels Hayes1 Comment

4.21.18

(I was sick yesterday, so this is Friday’s blog!)

With the last meditation challenge complete, I’m re-listening to the 21-day audio meditation Manifesting True Success from Oprah and Deepak. Yesterday’s was focused on “T” in the acronym SMART: Time.

On the phone with my new goals group this past Sunday, I told them that, while my larger goal is to write a book (details emerging), my relationship with Time must needs be my other focal point for our 6 months together.

“I cram,” I told the ladies. In the last goals group, I would do all the writing the hour before the call and felt like I didn’t get out of the group all I might have. Perhaps by writing a little throughout the week, I could have more time to reflect and therefore more time to evolve.

And, wouldn’t you know, the meditation this week was, “Timing for Success.”

I really liked the reference Deepak made to this categorizing of our daily lives:

Sleep time: Getting a full night’s restful sleep
Physical time: Time to move and let my body be active
Focus time: Being alone for a while to concentrate on what matters to me
Time in: Time for meditation, prayer, self-reflection
Time out: Time to simply be here, and rest into existence (How do you like that phrase?!)
Play time: Time to have fun and enjoy myself
Connecting time: Intimate private time between me and those I care about.

What strikes me immediately, and pointed out by my therapist many months ago, is that I make little time for Play. What happens in that structure is that I avoid or procrastinate Focus time (and Physical time) because I feel deprived:

If I haven’t done anything fun or creative, I have less in the well. If I have less in the well, large tasks become insurmountable. And so the cycle continues.

“Fun leads to productivity” seems like a strange concept, but for the deprivation addict that I am/have been, it’s key. Because the reverse is true, too: “Productivity leads to fun.” If I don’t put off what must be done, then I don’t feel guilty doing something fun.

When I feel guilty, I procrastinate even my fun! It’s a terrible cycle. So I have to shift to feeding all the parts of my day, and therefore myself. If I want to focus more, I have to play more. If I want to play more, I actually have to focus!

“Eat the frog first,” as they say.

With the new goals group, I hope to have a bit more accountability for my time—for my play time and therefore my accomplishy time.