abundance · buffet · faith

too much to ask

when is something too much to ask? i asked my landlord when i should give 30 days notice, and he said no need for notice, to move when i’m ready. i asked my dentist if i could get a reduction in my dental implant cost, and he gave me 10% off. i asked my friend to keep an eye out for a bookcase, and she brought one to my doorstep the following week.

this abundant universe is scary. every time i ask for something, i seem to end up getting it. or, i get a no, but am still glad i asked. sometimes ~ like grad school admission ~ i get something i never would have let myself imagine possible.

i begin to feel like perhaps, i’m asking too much. perhaps i’m taking too much from the universe, and i should stop asking for my needs to be met. perhaps i’m being greedy in thinking that there is enough, because in fact, perhaps, there’s not. there are starving children, and homeless people, and families living in cars. who am i to ask for what i need, for what i want, to put in the action and get the results?

who am i to test the universe back?

for years, i’ve heard people talk about god testing them, to see if they’ll succeed or fail, to see if they’re strong enough, humble enough, brave enough, faithful enough. i don’t believe in that kind of a G-d, or that kind of a universe. I don’t believe in a machismo warlord, making me do tricks to earn treats. it’s not about earning treats, it’s about working for what i want, and being brave enough to ask for what i need. that’s it. why not put my money, literally, where my mouth is? (well, not literally literally, cuz who knows where it’s been.)

why not ask to be given the things i need, and then work toward making them happen? if god helps the man who helps himself, can i help myself to the abundant all-you-can-eat buffet of life without feeling like a horking early-bird special, middle-American glutton? can i allow myself to receive?

One thought on “too much to ask

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