So, following in the footsteps of my friend Carmen, I’ve decided to post a blog a day, cuz why not. I thoroughly enjoy reading hers each day, or a few in a row, like catching up with a friend – and keeping up with people in this busy world.
So, can I admit that I just wikipedia’d adam levine – that maroon 5 singer, after watching some of charlie day on SNL (on hulu; no tv ~ not a california thing, just a … don’t have a tv thing). And lord, have, mercy. My god. That is one hot jewish man. And god save me, there are actually hot jewish men in this world.
Now I know you can’t chose (particularly) who you fall in love with, but boy, would it be nice to find a tall, handsome, jewish man. … and while we’re at it, employed. It’s been interesting – as a semi-result of reading Carmen’s blog, I bought and started to do the exercises in this book “Calling in the One”. Now, gag if you must, but I did a lot of browsing in the “preview” on amazon, and it seemed like it was up my alley – very Artist’s Way-style exercises and readings, and hey, why the f. not. Now interestingly enough, I’m asked to look at what ways are my relationships with men a reflection of my relationship with myself – She, the author, asks, if we’re picking up this book, in what ways is are we not loving, nurturing, or committing to ourselves … and I knew immediately that there are tons of ways in which I am not committed to myself – to my dreams/goals/little internal nudges. And that is certainly mirrored back to me in the real world.
So, I’ve been reading this book, and doing these exercises – and shit you not, the week I was home in NJ was the week on “Letting Go” … I’m not doing it all precisely one-a-day, but reading, flagging, going back, doing the exercises on more than one situation like she suggests. And things are changing. Take a look at my apartment!!
But, also, I recently downloaded from the SF Public Library on eBook (yes you can do this now!), What Color is your Parachute? It’s a book about careers, career advice, how to figure out what you want, what you’re good at. And so I’m now doing the exercises in this as well. Because, no, I am not committed to my dreams. I am always embarrassed to tell people I sing. No one’s heard me (well, except Carmen actually, who once told me [after I’d just sung with a band in front of an audience of a hundred people…] that I was really good, and when I said “Really??”, she said, No I’m just trying to sleep with you) 😉 But more than just sing, I want to perform. I want to act, be on stage, riddle you with emotion – I wrote a poem about it once. About throwing you off the edge of a cliff and gently reeling you back in – about steamrolling you with emotion – and the fucked up thing is that I really do think I can. I really do believe that I have it in me to possess myself so completely that I might possess you too.
What a powerful thing is that?
Now, the advanced portion of this exercise, is to let myself head there.
This blog, I suppose, is a part of that. Emptying out my childhood home is a part of that. Finally completing the art project I began in July is a part of it ~ and I’ll tell you something, It Looks Amazing. Even I’m proud of myself.
I’ve been realizing I have a pattern of thought/behavior lately, which states that I can only have happiness when I have success. I can only have love when I have a job. I can only have a career when I … when I let myself take the hideously frightening action steps – even the baby ones, like call these two working actors I know in SF and set up coffee dates/informational interviews. So, putting up my artwork yesterday was part of spitting in the face of that belief – the art doesn’t have to be perfect for it to go up (that was actually the purpose of that project – was to let myself paint it, no matter how it came out – and when it was done – it was done, no finnicking with it). The art doesn’t have to be perfect to make me happy. I don’t have to be perfect to be happy, because let’s face it – that would be never. So, I’ve set up for myself a system of belief where I can never have love or joy in my life. And, in realizing this, I’m realizing how ultimately retarded it is, and I’m beginning to take action in the opposite direction.
Because maybe there’s another Adam Levine out there just waiting for an actress/writer/singer. … bass player 😉