balance · integrity · responsibility · school · self-care

“Anty needs a recharge.”

There’s a scene in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when the kids are riding an enormous ant through the
jungle of their backyard, and the ant starts to slow down, his antennae droop,
and the mouthy next-door neighbor kid says the above line.
My alarm went off at 6am, like it does on the 3 days I
commute from Oakland to SF for work, and you know that puffy-eyed “whoa buddy,
you do not have my permission to get up yet – tank not full” feeling?
I knew that I would have to go straight from work to school
tonight, as it’s Wednesday, and I have my Shakespeare class at night and don’t get home till 10pm – and the classes are really small, like 10 or 12
people, so I always feel the need to contribute something coherent – last week,
we went around stating what our final projects were going to be, and when we
got to me, punch-drunk with fatigue and having not given it any thought
yet, I said I would write a project where Juliet gets reincarnated as Buffy the
Vampire Slayer. 😉 I then laughed and said I was kidding, but surprisingly,
people seemed to like the idea! I don’t think I’ll do it – but it’s SO strange
to be in a class where we’re reading theory and textual criticism and analyzing
rhetorical forms, and that could actually be considered a viable final project.
We’re allowed to do a creative one, which seems so strange to me – when I was
in undergrad, your “books cited” page pretty much made your grade. That said,
my midterm was a farcical letter to Romeo (with works cited!), so…
In any case, I woke up this morning unable to face such a full day – so I called out till
noon. I said they could call me if that was a problem, and I felt guilty, but I
also knew how completely unavailable – and cranky – I am without enough sleep.
So, I went back to bed until 10am and went in to work – where I felt like a
little kid, waiting to be chastised for doing something wrong (I wish I didn’t
react like that when I stand up for my needs! – but i do), and lo and behold,
my boss was totally cool, and acted as nice to me as always, and gave me work,
and i folded fabric and booked fancy hotel rooms for other people, and that was
that.
Not a big deal. People
understand that other people are human – I’m usually the one who doesn’t get
that. “I’m only human,” was my mantra as I was walking into work this morning,
feeling like a bad schoolgirl. 
and not in the sexy way. Although I was wearing my brand new purple coat, and I
felt like the jewel colored woolen equivalent of a rock star 😉
After work, BART was late with a medical emergency, so I
missed the shuttle to school, and by this point I’m starving, as I only had
breakfast before work and some cookies at work, because I felt like I couldn’t leave to get real food because I had to “make up” for the fact I came in late.
So, I’m hungry, tired, and then the bus that I can take to school instead of
the shuttle is late – and I know I’ll be late to class, and I have
to buy food no matter what.
So … I skiv off. I didn’t go to class. Gasp.  It’s
not such an awful thing, I’ve been there every time except once when I was back
east, and I got a pretty good grade on my midterm, but, I had had it. So, I trudge up the hill to the grocery store by my house and fill up at the hot food bar on
an enormous load of heavy comfort food of creamed yams and mac&cheese and come home and collapse with an episode of
Glee.
All this serves to tell me is that something’s gotta give.
I’m not sure what yet, but calling in to work late, cutting class, and
overeating to make up for malnourishment are signs to me that there’s some
aspect of self-care and balance that is seriously missing here. It may not seem
like “that big a deal,” and individually, these things are not – but I didn’t
go to class on Friday either – and I’m not paying what I’m paying in tuition to
not go to class – or to feel so depleted. Besides, I actually like school and my classes, and I want to go! It’s why I’m going in the first place!
So, I’m not sure what needs to give yet. There are only 3
more sessions of this Wednesday class before winter break. But, I don’t think I
can do what I’m doing like this anymore – even for 3 weeks – that’s three weeks
more than anyone should spend exhausted, cranky, and poorly fed. Anty needs a
recharge.   

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