balance · creativity · recovery · self-care

I cannot do everything all at once.

Bummer.
I can perhaps do most things, and many things, and maybe
even “all” things in turn, eventually, in time, but all at once? Not so much.
I met with a beloved teacher of mine on Sunday, and she said
something which my dear friend Chris had once said to me, You’re going to have
to choose.
OH! How I Hate To Hear That!
To give some grounding information to this broad
proclamation about the reality of physics (unless it’s quantum physics, in
which case they can be in more than one
place at once, but I digress). Yesterday, I had to cancel the final of my 4
scheduled auditions for this month. A) I was pooped. Too much outflow energy,
not enough restorative. b) in contemplating whether to go to the audition or not (by two
buses in the rain), I read the performance details, and the performance
overlaps day for day, word for word with the month before my graduation. Which
means rehearsal is right then too, which means I’d be doing school, writing a
thesis, and rehearsing for a real play? (Assuming ofcourseofcourse I got
cast.)
It was all too much. And I asked myself that if I were my
own best friend at the moment, what would I tell myself about going to the
audition? I would tell myself to take care of me. And so I did. I wrote and
called the casting director, full of chagrin and appreciation, and then went to
meet up with my fellows. Which is really what I needed to do anyway.
There, I was given the divine opportunity to hear a woman in
pain, and asked her to coffee after the meeting, and now we’ll be meeting on a
weekly basis. Werd. Go G-d.
In reference to Sunday, and Patsy’s comment about having to
choose; she was saying this because I came to her exhausted already. I’ve learned there’s a
lot of externally flowing energy involved in theater auditions. And until
you’re working with the other folks in rehearsal, or on stage with an audience,
it’s really one-sided. Once you’re with those folks, it becomes symbiotic, and
you exchange and feed off and are buoyed by one another’s energy, but, it’s been too
much all at once for me.
I also told Patsy that I was already overwhelmed by this HALF CREDIT class I’m
taking, the 2nd half of the workshop I’m implementing on Creativity
and Spirituality (um, someone ring an irony bell?). I was feeling ALL kinds of
WHOA BUDDY, it’s a half a fucking credit, back off with your emails at midnight
demanding information.
None of my business when other people want to send emails
(though my judgey judgerson wants to be like, hmm, lady, that can’t be
healthy). But hey, some people work best at midnight. I’m not one of them.
In fact, I’ve gotten into the wonderfully cozy habit over
the last few weeks of going to bed around 9pm. Yep. Lame, but I really really don’t feel that way. I realized it’s about 3 hours
after the sun goes down, or after it’s dark, and my body and brain are like,
alright, shutting down now. It’s been nice to not force myself to stay up till
some “normal” hour, which is what I usually do.
So, that’s a form of self-care. So was canceling the
audition. So was not emailing my
professor back a snipey email in answer to her questions.
It’s all information, I guess is my point. And however
loathe, really truly so uninclined to
admit it, I can’t do everything.
I can’t audition for plays, rehearse for the one I’m in,
start working with a woman on my financial stuff (which I begin this morning, in
fact), meet with the girls I need to meet with, go to class, prepare and facilitate a
workshop, write a thesis, do my homework ….. (without a car at least, sneaks in
the thought). But, with or without a car, I have to choose where my energy will
be going, and choose places where it’s not just outflow, but inflow.
Like my painting class yesterday. *Joy incarnate.* We, or I,
practically shoved my hands into the paint and began to finger paint with it. I
was so relieved and thrilled to be back to it. I love it. We were doing some, “Don’t think too hard about it” exercises, and it was marvelous. I could spit
rainbows I was so … in my element.
I know too, from having taken a similar class last year, that
by the end of the semester I was done
with painting, that there’s, with me, a burn-out with everything. I used to say I
need crop-rotation for my brain. A few months art, few music, few cooking.
Give my brain a new toy, let the land rest, refuel.
But, friends, I hate to not be able to do it all. The
painting, and the acting, and the writing, and the modeling, and the running in
and out of the city, and the meeting up with folks, and going to see music, and
keeping my home orderly. Mostly, I can’t do all the art at once.
This does not mean I
cannot do all the art – I just don’t agree – my constitution is not made that
way. My friend Chris had said, choose one thing, and that’s it, you do it,
and you’ll succeed at it. I don’t work that way, or maybe I don’t work that
way yet. I
like crop rotation. I like playing in all these pockets of my brain’s
creativity. I just can’t do it all at once. In order, one season of crops at a
time, perhaps. One at a time, I can.
So, theater, for now, (as I head into rehearsals and my
acting class, lol), I’m going to lay you down. For now. I thank you. You’ve been
thrilling and helped me be brave, and open, and walk through fear, and have fun
anyway; but for now, you’re moving down my speed dial. I’ll call you when the season
has turned. 

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