acceptance · anger · faith

Anima

Yesterday,
during meditation, I began to notice that I’m alive. Now, before you
scoff, it was more I sort of sensed whatever it was, that spark of life within
me, that is not in a fire hydrant or end table. That mystical, magical thing
that happens only for us, that rides on our blood cells and sends messages to
synapses and invents thought, hormones, and waste.

Anima, is
what this is. The life property of us living things.

It wasn’t
as if I sensed my soul in that sense of the meaning, but more, that simply I
was aware that –hot dog!-
 this is being “alive.” I found this interesting, this unique “blessing,” perhaps. To just notice that there is something in me, as in you,
that is not in everything.

Later
that day, I found out that a friend of mine overdosed on drugs, and died this
weekend.

At the
moment, it felt simply like shock, indignation, and anger. I am believer in a
Higher Power, and an order to the Universe, or something like that – although
my understanding and relationship to that power changes and evolves, like most
relationships. However, this this
felt abnormally cruel.

He was my
age, 30ish. Tall, blue eyes, light hair. Handsome. I had a crush on him.

Granted
it was a from-a-distance crush, because I knew the struggle he was having with
staying sober for the year plus that I’ve known him.

When I
got sober, I was told to buy something black – the men told to buy a suit – as
we were going to be attending a lot of funerals. (That’s not “recovery”’s
position on the matter; it’s just the half joke/half not of some people in it.)

When I
was a few months sober, someone I’d been peripherally running around with being
wild and crazy and ISN’T LIFE GREAT WHEN YOU’RE NOT PUKING AND BLACKING OUT
ANYMORE?!, well, I found out that he’d walked off a cliff one night on purpose.

A girl I
know died last year, and a lot of folks I know were affected by her death.

But, for
me, this one has come the closest to home. I sat in the same room with this kid
almost weekly for over a year. I heard his dry humor, and his despair, his
attempts, his hope, and his … anima. I heard his life. We all did. And now,
he’s dead.

My
emotions of shock were sent in a sentence up to G-d: What The Fuck.

Sure, I
do believe in the order of things, and that “things happen for a reason,” but
I’ll tell you, believe that though I do and may, this happened to be a great
way to shake that conviction. But moreso, I feel indignant and righteously
angry and
my
firm belief in a kind Universe. I know it sounds antithetical, but really, I
have no other choice.

I, like
many people I know, have no other choice than but to believe in some cosmic
goodness – to me it is a goodness. And, sure, I can choose not to believe. I
can choose to say that this world is fucked, and aimless, and sometimes you win
and sometimes you lose, and there’s no reason or order or lesson or anything.
Cold, inanimate life.

But. I
don’t believe that. And, really, it’s not because I must, it’s because I
do. I simply do.

And, so
then, how to “reconcile” at all the tragedy of the loss of a … how can you
describe a person in a word?

I cannot
reconcile the loss and my worldview. And often my worldview is replete with
paradox, and for now, today, I will hold them both. I will be furious and
mystified at the shortened life of my friend. And, I will continue to scrape
the residue of that which covers my own anima – because I do also believe that
whenever the light is turned on in one person, the whole world is lightened
because of it.

And
though I still don’t feel that this is now some cosmic balance of we now all
get to improve ourselves and not take life for granted and all that bullshit, …
well, what else can we do?

Dear Aaron, I’m sorry I didn’t offer to lend you the two dollars you needed when you were on line behind me at the grocery store last week. I wish I had. 
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