Adapting Order from Chaos

Today, I get my thesis signed by the third person I need,
and then uploaded to the library system for printing and binding. It’s another
way of saying, today, it’ll be really
done. Complete. Finit. C’est Complet. Au revior. Adios. Ciao. See you. Never to
be seen again.
Well, sort of. Not, “never to be seen again,” but, I’m
exhausted of it. It’s like saying the word zipper repeatedly until it loses all
its meaning. That’s the word “thesis” for me at the moment, and a lot of
others’ I assume as well.
On a fully unthoughtout fledgling tangent that may pan out
to a hill of beans, I’m applying to a job in Philadelphia today. It’s more of a
show of willingness I suppose, to move, to be employed, to take action so that
I am employed.
In several books I’ve read lately on maintaining solvency
and being financially self supporting, you won’t guess what the number one
advice is – get a job. Ha! Yes, it’s true.
So, in and amongst the other work I’m doing here, like the
workshop in SF next month, where I’ve rented a studio space, and am posting up
flyers and all, I’m also looking for work… sort of in a “finally” kind of way.
There feels to be a different tone emerging. I do not say fully emerged. But the tone is one that feels
less desperate.
Not that I’m less desperate for income, but that I’m less
desperate for “the answer,” or to “make it work,” or to “figure it out.” I
guess I just am beginning to feel more calm around it. Like this, job
searching, is not such a big deal anymore. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain,
but it’s beginning to feel like it’s not
the Herculean effort it’s been for me in the past.
Perhaps part of it is the stop-gaps I’ve created for myself
with my “R+D” hours; perhaps part of it is simply grace. Who knows, maybe even
part of it is more hours of sunlight, or I’m back to my morning practice, or
less caffeine to feed general anxiety.
But, it’s a strange new beginning development. And, I like
it. I’m not “secure” in it, I don’t feel some overwhelming sense of the order
of the Universe, and a divine calm or serenity. I feel like a more logical,
okay, let’s get ‘er done, sense of order. I guess I’m feeling more prepared.
That’s something that’s come up on some inventory I’ve been
doing around my patterns of secretary job / quit / secretary job / quit. …
school. 😉 The reality is that I’ve had good intentions, but I didn’t have the
information, research, foundation to make any kind of alternate job work. I had
great intentions – hang paintings, sell art, host gallery events – but no idea
who to talk to, where to start, or any real idea of the lay of the land.
I was doing what I sometimes do – take a developmentally
inappropriate step toward something; fall short, of course; then point and say,
see, I told you this path was closed to you.
Instead of simply recognizing that baby steps is where I am.
I really am. Teeny tiny little putterings in some direction or other. Write an
email, make a phone call, listen to others, reach out for help. Not, propose
some grand effort at which I’m marginally qualified.
I feel better coming to recognize where I really am – to
acknowledge that I want a creative arena to be my bread and butter – but I’m
more willing to be open to what that looks like. I’m more willing to “get a
job,” and let the rest fall into place. I don’t have to necessarily earn by
making art – not “right now,” that’s one of those “too big for my britches”
steps. But I can get myself, allow
myself to get to a stable financial place so I can begin making the babysteps
toward that. First things first as they say.
The Philly job is in a creative setting. It also includes
administrative tasks. But, from the description, it could be a great fit. I am
trying to hold the whole thing loosely. There’s a part of me that’s getting really
excited about it – and then there’s the part of me that’s like, dude, 10% of the population is looking for work, chill out, do what’s in front of you, and
be humble.
Yes, AND, it’s nice
to recognize that I’m becoming willing to really understand that school is over
in TWO WEEKS, and it really is time to get a job which affords me the luxury of
3 meals a day… I really like that luxury. Furthermore, on the Philly front, it’s close enough to the
family, without being in NY, where I don’t want to be. I’ve visited often
enough to know, that like here, there’s a variety of socio economic, cultural,
political pockets; the weather is similar to how I grew up – and last time I
was there about 2 or 3 years ago in an October, the leaves changing were like
Who knows. What I know is that I’m willing to broaden my
search, not run away, do the research, ask for mo-fo’in help, and, at the moment, eat breakfast and go see my

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