Why Joe Cocker is My Higher Power

Besides, of course, following the line of my post earlier
this week, A Little Help From My Friends, as many of us know his version from The
Wonder Years
(may they rest in peace and
reruns), a different of his songs occurred to me this morning in my … oh, let’s
just say “usual” fits of morning pages anxiety over money and work.

Can you guess which one?
Yep, Have a Little Faith in Me.
Damnit. I don’t want faith, I want answers. I want conclusions – something I can take to the
bank, oh yes most very literally.
But, what do I get instead? I get indicated to keep on doing
the footwork that I have planned to do for today, and to have a little faith.
Both are intrinsic to moving forward.
Today, by stroke of genius Universal camaraderie, I will be
using my friend’s rental car to post flyers for May 19th’s workshop.
I had no idea even 48 hours ago that would happen that way. I texted my friend
to get tea on Wednesday night, and she said yes, we did, and then she said, oh,
by the way, she’s rented a car for this week, and we should plan an adventure.
I was thunderstruck. I just placed a reservation on a rental car I couldn’t afford so that I could
leaflet the town. And, so I asked if I could use her car today instead – she works
in SF, we’re driving in together very shortly, and I’ll have her car while
she’s at work, all for the price of a tank of gas –
much cheaper than the rental car – and with the benefit
she gets of not having to move it every two hours for street parking in San
Francisco’s North Beach – a notorious place for parking nightmares.
Have faith yet? … oh, sure, that counts I guess, but…
Today, I’ll also put out a few more tendril emails to people
about work I might get for May, and I also got my confirmation phone call about
my modeling gig on Monday, for a drawing group in San Francisco. … nervous
but I “worked out” a little last night to my exercise DVD, trying to get those
triceps contoured, seat lifted, and thighs capable of holding contraposstos for
20 minutes. Of course, of
I accomplished that ALL in one 45 minute DVD session. … but, it will have to
do, and I will be paid.
I got an email from my wonderful cat lady aunt last night
(I’m not ready to give up her “cat lady” handle, but I’ll add “wonderful” to
mitigate it – it used to be “crazy cat lady aunt,” so, that’s progress). She
asked, point blank, as is her wonderfully tactless style, You’re graduating – What Now?
… this is the point in the scene where crickets chirp, and
someone coughs uncomfortably and squirms a bit in their chair.
Uh … Question Mark?
Have a little faith, now?
I don’t know. It’s all ebb and flow. It’s contingent on my
doing the work I have set before me. It’s contingent on eating breakfast,
taking care of myself, asking for help, relying on help, being willing to accept help — which is the hardest for me. I’ll ask you for help
if I’m desperate, but then I’ll run away before you answer or most especially
if you say yes – NO!!! I’m not actually ready for help! Receiving help is unfamiliar
and doesn’t fit into my story that this life is solitary and aching and
grueling and asking for help is for wussies. Noo!! Don’t help me. … I
desperately need your help. … Don’t
help me, I got it! … Wait!
Don’t go!! I need f’ing help!!
Today I’m grateful I can see it – which means I can work to
change it – and today I am accepting
help, and Joe Cocker, may you light my way. 

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