Pennies from Heaven.

Well, whether it was my colorful display of language that
did it or not, yesterday I applied to a job, and later that afternoon, got an
email to schedule an interview for it.
How ‘bout them apples?
It reminds me of my friend and his parking mantra. When
looking for parking, he repeats a mantra (which, I found out later was, in
fact, an actual Buddhist mantra: Nam-myoho-renge-kyo,
but as I heard it, it was Nam, Yo, Orengie, Kyo). He repeats this mantra, and
insists that it works in helping him to find parking.
In my own experience, I think the way it “works” is that you
say the mantra until you have found parking, and Miraculous! the mantra “worked.” It also is really great at
keeping your mind focused on something other than, damnit there’s no parking.
So, it serves a purpose at least.
Whatever the spiritual or magical effects of the mantra, I
think it’s sort of the same with this job interview on Friday. I cursed at G-d,
then applied for a job, then I got an interview. Did the cursing at G-d “help?”
Would “G-d” be motivated to act by my refusal to accept the anguish of my
situation? Dunno. Maybe not. But, maybe so.
I was writing about it this morning, asking why it’s taken so long for anything like this job, and
the one I have a 2nd interview for tomorrow, to come through. It was
“indicated” that it was simply because these jobs weren’t available yet.
Guffaw. Come on,
Master of the Universe – there were
no other jobs that would have been as acceptable as these over the last
three months? I find that hard to believe. So, then, what “lessons” was I, or
am I still, supposed to be learning from this protracted period of panic,
anxiety, and desperation?
A simple and easy answer is: Patience and Persistence.
Farkle. Who wants to learn that?? Have I learned it? Well, in spurts. There have been
periods during this time when I’ve cursed myself into exhaustion, and
“surrendered,” and came to believe that perhaps, just maybe I had a “higher
power” that really did have my best interest in mind. I have come to a place
where, over these months, and through other work I’ve been doing, I’ve come to
introduce myself to a very new Higher Power, one that perhaps, maybe, I might
actually trust.
Because I’ve done so much work on this front, this
particular path of getting closer to spirituality, I’d thought, come on, of course, I believe that my Higher Power has my best interest in mind. Of
course I trust it. But, strikingly, in this new round of work I’m doing, I put
it down on paper, and, in fact, I still have my default G-d. The one that is
untrustworthy, inconsistent, and unreliable.
And so, I’ve been hiring a new one that embodies the
opposite of these qualities.
I’ve imagined this new Higher Power as a Rookie from the
bush leagues, coming up into the Majors. I am the coach or manager. This new
Higher Power is stoked to finally be on
deck. Finally to be able to prove what skills and moves and plans he has. “Put
me in, coach! Put me in!,” he tells me eagerly.
And, so I started to. I began small. Because this is a new entity,
and I’m not sure I entirely trust it; and, very much, trust is an earned emotion. Like any relationship, this is a trial, a
getting to know you period. So, I decided to put my new Higher Power in for a few innings.
I started to say, let’s see how you do for these next few hours, and we’ll
revisit if you’ll be on for the next few.
And I did that, for probably a week or two. Okay,
things have gone well these few hours, let’s see what game plan you might have
for the next few.
And on it went. Until, not long ago, I decided to put this
new player on the team’s official roster. To invite him on, perhaps, permanently.
So. If I’ve begun to form a relationship of trust with a
“Power greater than myself,” can I trust, therefore, that all this mishigas is
actually for my benefit?
Well, there’s the rub. Where the rubber meets the road. A
trust and a faith that works in rough going. Do I have it?
Yikes. Well, what I have is a more firm belief that there is
the option for me now of something/someone I trust more than I have before. I
do feel, honestly, that I’ve established a layer, even a foundation, of trust
with this entity. When I close my eyes in meditation, I can see the eager young
ball player, I can see that he only wants to show me what grand things he can
do and wants to do, if he’s only given the chance.
I can see that this is not a flighty entity.
Therefore, if, as in math, a = b, then b = a. I trust that
this power wants my life to work. Therefore my life is being guided by a force
I can trust.
There’s not really a way around that, unless I question “a”:
that I trust this Power.
So, how does this play out in my everyday life then? Well, I
can remember this equation. I can remember that I have decided to trust this
power based on evidence that I’m not dead, crazy, or in danger. That’s pretty
big evidence. I can continue to gather it on the smaller things too, which is
where, for me, the “real” evidence is – “Okay, you got the big stuff, but what
about this smaller shit – LIKE MY JOB??”
Well, the week that I was putting my HP in the game for a
few innings at a time, I started to find pennies on the ground. Call it
whatever you might, but I considered them “Pennies from Heaven,” and to me,
they were like little winks from the Universe that, yes, I am being taken care
of. That I am and was on the right path.
So, is it a parking mantra? Is this conversation with a new
higher power just something to hold my attention and faith as I go forward with
my job search, never knowing if such a power exists? Maybe. I’ll never know,
will I.
Do I feel better when I think about that Rookie and his
toothy grin, tapping the side of his wooden bat against his cleats, excited to
prove himself to me? You. Bet.

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