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Healthy Resource Management.

Since my conversation with Renee last week about allowing
myself to receive from others (and thereby interpret from a Higher Power) instead of exhausting myself from my own reserves, I’ve been considering how I
manage resources.
For the most part, I live within very meager means; I always
have. I don’t really live extravagantly, and would go on shopping binges to
make up for the time I kept such a tight lid on everything. My apartment is
perfect for what I need it to be, except for the lack of artist space in it. My
computer is perfect, except that the operating system is so old, I can’t access
the Kaiser email system without refreshing four times. My clothing is perfect,
except that the majority of the clothing is several years and a style old. And
my love life is perfect, except for the aching lack of intimacy and connection.
When I have resources coming toward me, I tend to either
reject them or blow through them quickly, so I can be back at smallness again,
where I’m familiar, if not comfortable. On my blog site, I can see what blogs
have been read recently, and for some reason, someone accessed and read one from 2010 called “too much to ask,” so I went back to read it myself. It’s all about
how to allow myself to receive good things. Hmm. Sounds familiar. I know there’s another blog about a
meditation in which I was supposed to be allowing myself to receive light from
benevolent sources, but I refused to allow that light in and kept my guard up like Wonder Woman’s bracelets –
you’re not getting in here! Pew! Pew! I have been working on how to manage resources for
years, and have been rejecting them for years.
I have a free ticket to; If you want me to put you in
touch with; Sure, you can show your art here …
And I let these connections languish. Those things are for
people who can sustain momentum and movement. As evidenced to myself by myself,
I’m a person who manages resources by rejecting or blowing through them – what
kind of a manager is that – of course I
can’t possibly contact your friend – “I don’t have it in me.”
I’m just becoming more aware right now of how habitual this
process is for me, of keeping myself small and insulated and insular. And of
how exhausting, and ineffectual it is.
The problem is that I don’t want to be small or ineffectual, and that’s where I run against
myself. So, I’m back to the suggestion from Renee last week about allowing my
former, or current, rather, way of doing things dissolve
without attempting to figure out how to put them back
together. I know this way isn’t working, but I don’t actually know a different
or better way. So, I have to allow it to resolve itself – which, of course, is
a frightening prospect, but not as frightening as continuing to live in a
shoebox existence.
Things that come to mind like ordering a ‘monologues for
women’ book, but I don’t actually look one up. The flight lesson thing that’s
been on my list of things I want to do for years. The ice skating thing I was
talking about yesterday – a free trip to
the rink to do something fun for myself … well, I’m just so busy over here
being UNfun.
No wonder I feel so tired; this lack of fun. This lack of
flow. My therapist was very astute yesterday when she finally put it in no
uncertain terms: I am ambivalent about intimacy. I both desperately desire it,
and am terrified of it. It’s the same coin as “resources.” I want, but I’m
scared. I want to move forward, or differently, but goddamned, I don’t know
what that’ll look like. She and I have been working on this forever, but it was
the first time I really got to see my hemming and hawing about connection and
relationships, an energetic exchange in its own right.
In the relationships that I have had, they have been an
unequal exchange, again, like with my “stuff,” allowing me to subsist with less
than I actually want, and rejecting those options that look more healthy – like
blowing through a chunk of cash, so I’m back at square one, I will take your
genuine desire to know me better as a threat to my way of life.
My way of life isn’t working.
I want it to work better. I have to trust that if I let go
of what I currently and already know that I will be taken care of.
I hate the maudlin nature of this quote, and I have my
doubts, but it’s been coming to mind over the last few days nevertheless:
When you take a leap of faith, G-d will either catch you, or
you will be given wings to fly.
I know the ultimate
cheesiness of that sentiment, but if I’m at the end of what I know how to do,
there really
isn’t anything left
except to leap, and trust that whatever comes, somehow and eventually, it will be
better and healthier for me than what is. 

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