Parsing it Out.

I have a number of things on my mind
this morning – the 90-days of responsible tasks challenge;
expectations, dependency, forgiveness; and lust.
But I’m a bit jammed up this morning,
and although I have begun this blog three times, addressing each of
these issues, I’m just not feeling it; I have too many emotions
happening, which are gumming up the flow, and I will need some time
and conversations today in order to get back to center.
Therefore, let’s do something
It was impossible to know when she
opened her eyes that morning what she would find. The argument from
last night awoke before she did, and the tangle of sheets next to her
concealed if there was indeed a person there or not.
Tentatively, she moved her hand under
the still-warm sheets of her side, and felt into the coolness of his.
Okay, she sighed, he’s still in it too.
Stretching her feet out far below her, which caused a cramp in the sole of her foot, she looked toward the
clock to calculate how much time she had before she’d have to
confront the issue. Was there time for a shower before he returned to
the bedroom and used it himself to get ready for work? Or should she
suck it up, and pad down the hallway to the kitchen where she knew to
find him with an iPad, a plate of eggs, his coffee?
Was she wrong last night? Yes/no. Did
it matter if she was? Yes/no. He was, too, for sure, but was it worth
this? Dancing around each other this morning, making small talk like
strangers, leaving out into the large swath of day in which they wouldn’t be sure if
they were people in love anymore?
The shower could wait.
In the bathroom, she rinsed her mouth,
ran water over her face, and rubbed the last of her sleep into the towel. Looking into the mirror, she held her own gaze, and
relived the words she’d said, feeling again, the entitlement,
justification, and shame for having gotten so argumentative over such
a small thing. Leaning into her reflection, she resolved to be more
aware when she assumed things from him he’d never actually said.
The sound of the coffee grinder sailed
down the hall, and she knew he was making this second batch for her.  

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