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Break on Through to the Other Side

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I performed in my first show on Saturday. I played bass and
I sang, and I broke a string and borrowed someone else’s and lost my place and
played wrong notes and sang out of tune, and hopped up and down in my boots and
smiled like a raving fool and had an absolutely fabulous time.
Some of the feedback from my friends has been along the
lines of, I feel like I’ve now finally seen you in your element, doing what
you’re supposed to be doing – you looked so right, so natural up there. And –
they’re right. I feel so natural and so
right up there.
I was on my way to rehearsal last week and was on the phone
with my girl friend from Long Island. We were talking, again, about work, my
work, jobs, career, etc., and as I gushed that being in the band is my favorite
thing in my life right now, she asked me what it was about it that I loved?
I love that I get to play with other people, that we create
something out of nothing, and offer it to other people. That we create an
atmosphere, an experience for others, that we get to have an impact on how people feel, to create emotions and movement
in them. I love that I get to be collaborative, it’s not just me and a guitar,
that I get to learn and bounce off of others’ ideas, that I get to be a part of
a group that wants to do the same thing.
This, isn’t new. I wrote a blog on New Year’s Eve 2011-2012
that included the following:
Performance, A Challenge (12 31 11)
I want to perform. I want to ignite, excite, catalyze,
engender, enmorphize. I want you to witness me. I want you to be changed in the
witnessing. I want the love in you to awaken and stir as I open myself to you.
I want to be there for it. Present. My best, most available self. I want you to
fall in love with yourself in the process. Discover the ancient and cavernous
depth of your heart. I want to be your tour guide. To lead you where you are
ready to be led. I want to change the world, for good. One heart at a time,
beginning with my own. And I am becoming Ready. I am ready to transform.
Pyrotechnic Performance: What I want to do when I grow
up.
(8 5 10)
I want to startle your emotions and steamroll you with
feeling. I want to seize and agitate the flames of my inner fuel and fury and
ignite and catch you on fire too. I want to blast you out of your seat aghast
at the wonder that is G-d bellowing through me. I want to own this. I want to
master play and expand this. I want to hone sharpen and broaden the depth of
what I have to offer you. I want to journey with you through the lands of the
psyche and crash you upon the shores of revelation. I want to allow you to lick
and contemplate these wounds as you stagger toward the exit when I’m
done. 

I want to heave you into oblivion and gently reel you
back in.
None of this has changed, except that I feel I actually am
more ready for it. I actually am more ready to simply try, to put myself out
there, however expertly or inexpertly, and just try damnit. Forget Yoda, I think there is a try. It’s the same as doing, perhaps. Or rather, I am in fact no more ready than I have been before, but, I’m simply doing it anyway, putting the action first, and watching my willingness follow. (So maybe Yoda was right after all…)
I have been afraid to let you know how important these
things are to me. How important it is to me to stand in front of you and give,
offer, collaborate, combine, and reveal what I really am and have. I have been
afraid that if I tell you what this means to me, and I am disappointed with
your response or with my own performance, that I couldn’t take the
disappointment. But, I feel ZERO disappointment. The people who are meant to
help me in this are showing up. I am getting help to get better, to improve,
and even if I didn’t, there’s room for me anyway.
I’m finally listening to myself, which is a phenomenal thing
to do.
And you know what, I’m proud of myself, too. Which itself is
a phenomenon. 

I have affirmations plugged into my phone to ding on the hour. One of them is: “I intend to make a difference.” Although this was meant around my “job,” my next “career move,” when my friend reported to me yesterday that seeing me up there touched her deeply, inspired her to see me, having lived and now doing what I’ve always wanted to do — I realized that perhaps, I already am. 

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