took it down, dumped it over on my bed and picked through the pieces of
paper I’d written and thrown in since it was given to me as a one-year
box” every once in a while, to see what “god” may have already taken care of,
and to see what we’re still holding onto, even as it’s been “surrendered” to the box.
tortured me so hard, I found them listed on multiple post-its, torn pieces of
paper, even a square of toilet paper.
hope/help” included a lot of men’s/boy’s names that haven’t gotten a rise out
of me for years. I had to wrack my memory at one of them, and then got to see
the number of times others’ names had been tossed in there in the hope for resolution
and divine intervention, and indeed, they’ve become completely old news. Today, those got
tossed to the resolved pile.
that I haven’t had to box with for years, so much so that I am surprised to
remember them, and to notice they caused me such pain (well, smoking was a
bitch to quit – and I never doubt that one will always lead to more).
in there, are varied.
funeral following his heroin overdose.
cancer. A photo of my mom holding my brother, age 2. A photo of the ex whose
innocence we shared.
why I’d ripped and torn in there until I pieced it back together: “As long as
your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted.” – I can easily see why I
would bristle at such a fortune!
recommitted to allowing them to be “taken care of,” are those issues which have
remained “issues” to this very day.
this box that over the years I’ve begged over for things to change, hurled words
in there like grenades, or exhausted, dropped them in tear-stained.
possible, like those untimely deaths of beautiful people. And they will stay in the box.
look like at all, as with my dad, my career, and “my life,” as I wrote it again and
again. They will stay there, too.
this, because the pile of “resolved” issues is nearly half. Those torturous
achings that caused me to toss names and circumstances in that have simply
fallen out of mind, out of importance, into the fate and design of my past…
them, and for the wisdom of time that solved them: They give me hope for the