From my blog on Friday, March 29, 2013:
“guidepost” to what she calls Wholehearted Living is “Laughter, Song, and
people feel really vulnerable when dancing, concerned with what people think of
how they look, or scared they’ll be told to “dial it down.” That’s not my
experience of dancing; it’s my experience of singing.
someone in the cast who’s also a professional voice teacher. We’re working on
my “belt” range, where I need to be to sing for this role, and also the range
that, when done correctly, feels to me like yelling.
sound. Close off. Shut down. Shine down. Diminish. Dull. Deflate.
history is the terror of being hit.
are a target.
Stifles me from the thing I am most passionate about. I don’t think this is
heal from and emerge from them.
quietly. The moments when I do try, the self-doubt that pounces on me, that
fears. And I am emotional. Scared. And also, trying.
and transforming. Because I believe that song is one channel my soul wants to
shine through. Because it makes me happy, gleeful, expansive, collaborative,
in utero. It is rusted, craggy, and defunct. What this feels like is chewing
off my own limb to free myself. Painful. Awful. And completely necessary.
opens in 3 weeks. I don’t know if I’ll power through the “shouting” that I
think I’m doing, but exactly what my teacher yesterday applauded. I don’t know if I’ll
pull back. I might. It might still be too frightening to be truly heard, and to
truly give what I know I can.
myself very well through all my shushing and evaluating and mishegas), I must
also know and acknowledge, that whatever the result, I am indeed trying to
dismantle this old trap.