as you’re told.”
and telling me to stay in touch.
content, but for the fact that it continues my father’s understanding of me and
our relationship: He’s the good one, I’m the fuck-up. He makes the rules, and I don’t follow them. What a set-up.
confirmation of how unrealistic our relationship is, and because it confirms
that this is not a person I want to be in communication with.
based on one tin-eared card, believe me, this is the softest of these messages
I’ve received. And continue to receive from him.
talking about amending relationships where there is discord, or where I simply
don’t feel at peace.
People I’ve fallen out of touch with out of self-preservation.
wrong… that still-lingering “good daughter” or “good friend” guilt. Shouldn’t
you show up no matter what? Isn’t that love? Or is that obligation? And does it
they’re at, regardless of how they’re harming me?
situation with my dad is, I still lash myself with reproval.
my family’s ills. I should be able to listen to her constant health complaints
and victim-laden phone calls. I should be able to because she’s family and because she’s alienated nearly everyone else
she’s related to.
though I get quiet and withdrawn around that kind of unpredictable behavior. I
should be able to meet her level of enthusiasm and kookiness because that’s
cool, right? Why can’t I just be cool, like her?
want to be in relationships with, because that’s what “good” people do, right? Because
that’s what we’re told good people do.
are once or twice a year out-reaches. And that’s okay.
own experience, and you don’t have to be a part of it if you don’t like how you
feel around her.
card. And leave it at that.
those we invest less. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care for the person. It
doesn’t mean that they are bad, or that I am.
communication needs relaxing.
particular ones work. To find common ground and compromise and a way of
communicating that is healthy, or at least not harmful. And unfortunately,
there isn’t one.
particularly with my dad, because who wouldn’t? But, this is an intractable
situation. And I have bloodied my fists knocking on a closed door, trying to
break in through a side window, and torn fingernails trying to dig underneath
all the battle defenses that each of us have drawn to come to a relationship with him that I can be in.
the train. This one doesn’t go any farther, no matter how much I wish it did.
And I do. And I probably always will.
either of us. I can’t demand someone to show up or behave how I want. I can
only adjust myself to what is. And allow myself the compassion to stop
haranguing myself for not being able to adjust them.