Or, “I want the world. I want the whole world.”
The person I went on a date with Sunday texted to say he didn’t see a love match there, but it was nice to meet me, etc.etc. I concur with his conclusion, but it doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed. It dropped me back into my low-grade loneliness and longing for my ex, and the truth that I must trust if it’s meant to be, then it will, but that I have to let him go completely. Which I haven’t.
What I am seeing is that I want it all right now. I want romance and finance to soar!! Effective Immediately! I want to hear the manic trill of frenetic notes as I flit from success to success. The joie de vivre of a person loved, those high silvery violas and piccolos, maybe.
What I have is a sonorous resounding orchestra in the bass clef, holding everything up — not too exciting … until you attune to it.
Wonderful home: a cello sings. Car that works and fits my life: perhaps a tuba pumping along to a jaunty rhythm (tubas have pistons, too, after all!).
But moreover, more resounding, more languid and supportive is the work/career/creative arena. This arena is humming and crescendoing, right there, if I choose to listen.
My thinking is that this deeper section is where my focus is and will be for now, cementing in the time signature, the grooved practice of my life. There are exciting things happening in that section! I am increasingly being asked to perform, professionally and creatively. I am increasingly saying Yes. I am increasingly revealing more of myself, and that liquid, reverberating bass is hugging everything in, dependable and warm.
My attention to the treble is a distraction at the moment. I am not yet in harmony with the bass rhythm of my expanding life, and frankly, I’m pretty sure that until I “level up” and sink in to my expansion, whomever I attract from this frenetic place will not be the right person.
I wrote a blog earlier this year called “Who’s Next,” wondering not who my next partner would be, but who I would be, if and when I attract my next partner. I know, and can feel, that I am not that person yet. I am not the grounded, velvet waltz I am becoming. I am getting there. Each time I write a blog, each time I share it. Each time I write another line for my play, another title for a poem. Each time I own my desires a little bit more, I am becoming.
They do call a beautiful woman “becoming” after all.
I want the manic syncopation of love and sex and dating and union. But what I have is the dark luscious creation of rich ground. A thrumming beat, expanding. Boom. Boom. Boom.