One of the items on my To Do list recently was to look up music shows. It’s been ages since I’ve seen anything live (see above: May 2016!) and my heart is suffering for it.
I set aside money each month for “Entertainment” so that when events come up that I want to go to, I have the money ready. The irony is that even though the money is there, earmarked for just such occasions, I tend to not spend it. I tell myself, There may be something else you’ll want to do more, or This isn’t important enough, or, with a sneer in my own head-voice, Is that really what you want to be spending your money on?
I’ve been compiling a mental list of all the live music shows I’ve been to in my life, and the list is long and vast, though of course not as vast as I’d like. Which necessitates the question, Why then would I ever tell myself “No”??
I count a value of my life to be music—listening to, performing, viewing. Yet, if in one breath I tell myself that music is a pillar of my life need, and in the next breath I sneer that I “waste” my money on it, then frankly it’s no wonder I don’t go as often as I want!
How is it “wasting” money, if that’s precisely what I’ve saved it for??
This habit of accruing money for particular needs and desires, and then putting them off is a common one for me. It’s as though there is something sacred or pious in delaying what I’ve promised to myself.
Sure, Molly, you can see a music show, I know how important they are to you, just not this month.
*One month later, when even more money is in the accrual account.* Sure, Molly, you can see a music show, I know how important they are to you, just not this month.
*One month later, when even more money is in the accrual account.* Sure, Molly . . .
What is it that I’m attempting to protect? What scarcity-mind bullshit am I being a sucker for? How is denying what I have said is important to me keeping me “safe”?