I asked J if we could schedule a “family meeting” for this weekend to set down our goals for 2019… and he agreed(!). So, yesterday afternoon, all cozy as the wild wind blew rain and leaves around the house, we took out our calendars and J began to take notes.
I wrote in his back-country ski trip; he wrote in my Spring and Summer breaks. I added in his birthday; he told me he still had mine on his calendar, that he hadn’t erased it from when we split up earlier this year.
Then we turned to our travel priorities for the year: the local weekend trips, maybe back East for Thanksgiving, the Paris trip for his mom’s 70th birthday… and how that would work best for us—since “Paris with your mom” doesn’t quite ring like “vacation” in our ears! So, what would we need to do to help us all have the kind of trip we’d want? (Hint: 3 days all together, then go off with your own person, is what we’re thinking!)
After that, we talked about our vehicles: are they in a good state for the upcoming year? Mine is, his isn’t. What does he really need? If it’s to tow motorcycles to the track, as he’s planning to do, can he use the one he’s got which needs significant repairs or should he buy a new one? So, we put an action item in the notes to research motorcycle trailers with brakes.
We talked about the house, if it’s meeting our needs or not. If yes, how to improve upon the situation, if no, what steps to take to change it. This precipitated talking out his career plans and that if, as he’d like, he’ll be moving into his own venture soon, we’d need to keep cash out-lay pretty low. He’s got a call with someone to talk about home options in the area that would improve our financial circumstances, and if there aren’t any, then we stay, but don’t do any major home improvements.
Then, we came to another piece of business: whether or not to attempt to have children this year. (And his leg immediately began to jiggle!)
While we’ve spoken of it before and, as a teacher, I laid out the timeline that would make the most sense before, it was time to really ask: Will you do this with me? Will we do this together?
Because of my financial situation right now, I’m able to save quite a chunk of money (even after setting aside a large portion for retirement). I could be apportioning this savings toward the first year or two of child expenditures.
So, do I?
It’s a huge question and even though he’s been the one more “deer in headlights” about it, I began to feel my own adrenaline rush. Because it would mean trying in the summer, this summer. *rush of adrenaline as I type!*
There wasn’t a resounding, “YES! I totally want to and can’t wait to have children with you,” but his answer was: “I’m in it to win it, babe.”
We’d spoken yesterday about the difference between “a default” and “a choice” when we were talking about the house, and the same applies to kids. I can’t allow bringing humans into the world be a default for him, just because it’s “part of the package.” It’s unempowering for him, and it’s distancing for me. (This isn’t, “Guess what, I bought tickets to the opera,” here!)
As our business meeting came to a close last night, he on the couch next to me, darker now outside, we snuggled and agreed that we have a pretty good plan for next year…
and you know what they say about plans*;)
*If you want to hear G-d laugh, make a plan.
Owning Voice 