In today’s meditation, we were asked to listen to our “heart-felt” answers to the question: What do I want?

My answers came easily at first: Stability/Hearth; Adventure; Expression; Community/Friends.

We were then asked to probe more deeply into our answers, even if they were material!  (Deepak said those answers are “perfectly wonderful dreams(!). Dreams that may also contain further insight about your inner truth.”)

So, I asked again: What do I want?

I want vacation.  Adventure means novelty, discovery, marrow-eating, gratitude for abundance — Taking advantage of/making use of the abundance of this, my lifetime, it is my gift back to G-d!

Vacation is an expression of awe, gratitude, humility, wonder, deep appreciation, and sparking intelligence/thought and creativity.

Damn!  And I thought it was just a tan and no email! 😉

I love that this is what I think vacation means.  I love the values of mine that it underscores.  I love that I want to pursue these things, suck marrow, dig the f* into the banquet of life.

I answered the question again, going further into what my dream of “hearth” meant, and came up with a soggy conclusion this morning:

Hearth, means nourishment, nurturing, dependability, rootedness, trust, foundation, place-ness, seen-ness/recognized (Oh yeah, That’s Molly).  I exist. 

This is my home, these are my neighbors, this is my tree. 

Also, control over this tiny world. 

No monsters. 

And then I drew a sad face with a few prison tears.  Because then, I was crying real ones.

“No monsters.”

That this “want” is in service of leading me to a life, a home, with no monsters is heart-breaking.

That one of my ultimate life desires is to craft a small world where no one is going to harm, betray, frighten, or ignore me.

Darn, that one hurts.

To acknowledge that what I am building or hope to build is based on a fear of being hurt?…  Well, what then?

I suppose it goes back to my little “I am Safe”/”You are Safe” cloud, and wouldn’t you know that as Deepak gently intoned his guided meditation this morning, he in fact said to imagine yourself enveloped by a soft white cloud!

So I did.  “You are safe.”  I drew my little kindergarten cloud in my journal, raining coins with only hearts on them this time.

I don’t want to live my life in reaction to or in service of a fear.

So, as with everything on this journey, I’ll be continuously called to notice and release, notice and release.  But first, I think I have some reckoning to do with some monsters.