Chopra and Oprah I’ve been following this last month.
Today’s “thought” is about Fulfillment.
into bed after a chaotic day of work and a busy night of rehearsal) and
bursting into quiet tears of overwhelm, today as I get ready for the day, the soft tears are of a different sort.
Last year around this time, I hosted an “I Didn’t Die” party and played in a
band on the bass I’d carried for over a decade but never learned to play. This
year on and around the anniversary of my diagnosis, you’ll find me onstage in
musical theater, another dream set down for over a decade.
gets checked into the boards, my own path crowded out by the demands of others
and by the very nature of the perpetually-behind game in which I find myself. I
continue to know that things need to change, want to change them, do research
on changing them, … and haven’t (yet) changed them.
fulfillment, less time, more stability. I continue to lament that the nature of
the game I’m in doesn’t allow for pausing. Except when you’ve been sent to the
bench. Which I call Netflix-binging. But that kind of pause isn’t productive,
and I know this.
kind of life, to have the space to dream and plan and implement. And, it’s not
this exact moment. Which can be really hard for me. Believing as I do, that my
stasis in this position (over-working and underearning) creates a
dissatisfaction in me that bleeds into other areas of my life, and keeps me
feeling less-than and stuck and not ready or viable or worthy.
the other is passionately trying to walk anyway – or, as in the Addams show, to tango. I
continue to have one foot in the direction … no – in the reality of a vision
and a dream of mine. It’s not the direction, it’s the reality.
the hours spent in band, in rehearsal, in laughter, and in friendship are times
of pure engagement, presence, and self-forgetting (sometimes!). That absence of
commentary, of doubt, feels like the presence of fulfillment.
of my waking hours to be ones of fulfillment, I have to acknowledge that the
scale is tipping. It isn’t there yet. I still lament and cry and question if I
will pursue, but those hours spent in joy …
*insert silent wonder*