The woman who attracted my last several partners was a procrastinator. A couch-sitting dreamer. The woman who attracted my last boyfriends is one who has desires galore for a larger, more engaged life, but puts off actions toward those goals.
Now before you all jump on me and say, “Hey, you’ve done a ton of stuff, lady!” (for which I’m grateful to have you in my corner), I will tell you that, Yes, I have.
And it’s not a fraction of what it could be.
One analogy that has been sticking with me lately is the idea of driving with the emergency brake on: in order to go farther or faster, you don’t have to push the pedal down further, you don’t need to work “harder” — you simply have to take the brake off, and you find yourself careening along the roadway.
What does it mean, then, to take the e-brake off my internal car?
Well, I’m struck this morning by my Time Plan. A time plan is a tool I use when I have loose unstructured time, such as this Spring Break. A person like me is liable to lay on the couch with Netflix, peanut-butter stuffed pretzels, and gorge away the week. I know this about myself (though it doesn’t mean I’ve not stacked time for such indulgences into my plan!) so I have gained a tool over the years to help combat this lethargy.
But, in writing my time plan for this morning, I realize that it looks nearly identical to the one I wrote for Sunday and for Monday this week: Wake up, do morning practice stuff, do some school worky-work, rest, clean, run, eat dinner, read Game of Thrones.
There’s not one thing “wrong” with this plan… except that it’s BORRRRING!!!!!
WHERE IS THE FUN??? Here I am, a lively woman in my mid-30s in one of the most dynamic urban areas of the world, and even the trail I run is the SAME??
I am a woman who can ride on the fumes of fulfillment and fun. Would it surprise you to imagine that running on fumes creates a feedback loop that desires sitting on the couch with pretzel crumbs in your bra?
This is not the woman I want to be. I already know I don’t want to be bra-crumb lady, but nor do I want to be Queen of the Lord’s most boring Spring Break.
So this morning, where I’d already written 2 hours of worky-work, I stole one of those back for the honor of Fun: Piano.
I’ll haul my keyboard down from the long-neglected art studio upstairs, set it up where J’s desk will be vacating, and start practicing the Christmas carol it’s my goal to learn by Christmas.
It’s not “skydive” or “gallery walk,” but it’s a start (and I’ve already planned gallery walk for tomorrow).
The person I need to be next cannot be boring—and she cannot put off her desires, life, or loves. I deserve more, and better, and so do the people I’m on the road to meet.