I learned the very hard way during my European trip with my mom that I still have a tremendously strenuous time staying focused on myself. Because of the dynamic early formed with her, she puts off a beacon call that I am constantly attuned to, like a bat. She sends out her sonic waves, attuning to and calling me in.
This interplay between us plays out in my other relationships by habit. I’ll send out sonic waves to others, since I’m near-programmed to see what’s up with them — where are they, what do they need, is there anything in their path I need to remove so they don’t stub a toe?
And while this may be a useful skill in some situations (e.g. watching a toddler), it is less beneficial in mutual adult relationships. I am currently noticing this pull to attune to the radio frequency of others because I’m noticing more and more my need to attune to my own frequency, to find out what’s going on with me, what do I want, what do I need?
It’s not my habit to return to these questions yet. It’s more like playing a piece of music you’d known by heart, but when reading the sheet music, you discover you’ve been playing these few notes wrong the whole time and now need to re-train yourself to play it that way, the properly intended way.
As I pursue the relationships in my life, I find that I’m becoming acutely aware that my radio dish is pointed outward. This is draining for me, cumbersome for them, and not a constructive balance for grownups (not that it was a constructive balance for a child and parent either).
Misdirection, like a magician. My attention is pulled away, and I am tricked. I am fooled into not paying attention to the important things to me, from my real source of magic.
I would like to better build the strength of my ocular muscles, focusing them back to attending to my own visions and goals, better to craft my day’s intentions toward what it is that will bring me closer to the fulfillment of my goals. Toward what actions I need to take to move an iota forward.
It’s easy sometimes to ignore or neglect those iota-movements, because they can seem so inconsequential and miniscule. Oh, no, it’s fine, I don’t have to [blog, work out, write on my personal growth process]; those things are so small in comparison to whatever I’m picking up on my radar.
I notice I need re-training, re-habiting, and a large swath of self-compassion (and compassion from others, which I have) as I attempt to learn how to put myself first.