It’s been quite the run this past week, and I bring myself to my computer by the strictest of force. I’d really like to start on grading the 55 papers I have waiting for me. Or, I’d really like to take a long luxurious shower, instead of my quickies on the blogging mornings. I’d really like to avoid the page right now.
When I get out of my habit of sitting at this page, I rebel. I am much the same with other healthy habits, and as I’ve heard, “[We’re] the kind of people who find something that works and stop doing it”! And I very much fit that assessment.
My week has legitimately been packed with actions related a significant upcoming work assignment for which I’m the point-person. I spent the majority of Sunday working on the presentation I’d lead about it Monday morning, and thus spent little of Sunday night sleeping. In fact, since Sunday night’s fitful rest, I haven’t slept one night through.
And the only action I’ve yet found to counter my brand of insomnia is regular (read: near-daily) exercise.
But. With the “exhaustion” on Monday after school, I didn’t go to the gym. On Tuesday, I was “too tired,” too. Wednesday, they don’t have my workout class at a “good” time for me, and yesterday, I told J (to no convincing at all) that the road back from class might be flooded and since we were going out in the evening, I didn’t want to risk not being back in time. (eye roll)
On Sunday night, I shared some of my story of recovering from my cycle of financial distress, and found myself admitting that “deprivation” is still a way I undermine (and torture) myself. No matter my level of earning, I can find ways to feel deprived (e.g. putting it all into savings so that my spending cash feels like pennies I have to hoard).
I reflect on my habit of “avoiding” my writing and my physical health (because you can be SURE that between the not sleeping, no gym, and malaise around creativity, I have mindlessly gorged on the trays of pastries set out at work). There is surely no “gain” from denying myself the activities that (only afterward!!!) give me self-esteem, pleasure, groundedness and sanity.
But perhaps it is the “only afterward” piece that is the hurdle.
Waking up at 5am and “using”/”spending” 30 minutes typing a blog that, well, may or may not be significant to the world… Rushing to the gym after a long day of teaching to spend/use another hour of “on” time…
None of these activities really benefits anybody except me. And none of them “take” anything from anybody except me. It’s this self-contained little circle of output and intake. I am the engine that expels, and I am the gas tank that is refilled.
The only piece that makes any of this at all worthwhile is my deciding that it is. For my own benefit, for my own life, for my own soul.
And for a person with a quasi addiction to deprivation of the soul, you can imagine that I fight multiple demons on my way to this page.
Though, on this morning, they can go fuck themselves.