It’s the last place we carry anxiety, tension, fear, even as we’ve worked
through it on all other levels.
to full capacity, unless I’m reminded to. There is always a slight constriction
of fight-or-flight going on in my body.
I’m hiking, walking in the woods. Hm, well that’s the only place I can recall
at the moment! Although, it also happened when I would go up to Sonoma to visit
friends, an old boyfriend. I would say I could “breathe bigger” there. There
was something about the openness, the closeness to nature, the un-cityness of
it all that allowed me to open, too.
sense of ease, of safety, home.
two tacks that leave me hamstrung in a Catch-22: On the one hand, I’m atrociously scared
of being boring, being neglected, being overlooked. Yet, on the other, I’m
afraid that if I am seen, I will be
annihilated, attacked, shamed.
I am seen or embraced by others.
that I’m scared my needs will not be met. Though what I can control is that I am
healing in a way that means I’m better able to take care of my own needs, and
to invite others into my life who are able to meet them too, without dumping my
own onto them.
because I and the world around me are
meeting them, then I don’t have to fear being overlooked and languishing in the abyss.
safe in the world. That if I peek my head out, if I take ownership of my needs,
become brave enough to step out of the shadows, I will be suffer.
believe I’m safe in the world, and not the object of opprobrium if I raise my
hand and say, Hey, this is who I am and how I want to express myself in the
world – isn’t it cool?
overwhelming evidence to the contrary that I am safe when I am myself.
to walk with a spine of confidence in their music tastes, clothing choices,
reading material? Who wants to feel proud of their contributions in the world? Their aspirations and hobbies and dropped hobbies and efforts and set-backs
and dorkiness and naiveté and thirst and laughter?
time I think a thought like that, I have a gremlin born of those ancient fears
that croaks, “You think so, do you? Well, here are all the ways you’re not.”
slammed with doubt. And so, you stop cataloguing; the doubt wins, and the
evidence slackens and dulls.
(it seems to me, right now, and may change) to loving ourselves.
allow its ire, yet continue with our own mantras of belief.
willing to accept the evidence yet.
That my needs can be taken care of because I believe they’re important; and b)
That I am safe in expressing myself because I believe I am important.
guts tangle nearly every waking moment.
peace and relaxation and ease. I know that it is possible for me to strive to
have them more frequently by doing this dismantling and believing and accepting