As I continue with my spiritual, self-progress work, I’ve been returning to the idea of “ideals.” In some groups doing this work, we’re encouraged to write a sexual ideal (where the rub becomes, “Okay, now go become that yourself, little one.”), and in other groups, we’re encouraged to write job ideal.
Unbidden, lately I seem to be creating these lists in my head like a master paint mixer, taking a little from ex-boyfriend A, a dash of B, a dollop of C. And then stirring in a few qualities none of them may have expressed but placed them in the “ex” category to begin with.
I’ve been coming across some of these old lists as I’ve been clearing out my shelves of files and writings and I’ve set them to the side, information for later. Soon enough though, later will be now and I’ll have to/want to read them and see what is the same and what needs adjusting. What qualities were important to me then that I’ve now learned are necessities? What qualities can I release as they don’t align with my values of today?
Similarly, I’ve been inking over again and again in my head the ideal of a better commute. Because my previous job had a 13-15 minute drive time and is now an unpredictable 45-90 minutes…each way…I am feeling a bit grim. So, I’m looking at the numbers: what does it cost to move, do I want to move, is my home location or my workplace more important?
And then I take a breath and realize that I’m trying to rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic. The ultimate truth (for me!) is that I am running myself ragged for little benefit. My return on investment here is not gleaning me very much, so whether I live in A or B or work at A or B really makes no difference. I’m attempting to get some feeling from a circumstance it is impossible to get it from.
What I really need to do is to write a new set of ideals, with no holds barred, no scarcity Sirens singing me onto their rocks, telling me that’s not possible, eat your crumbs you ungrateful wretch, things are better than they were can’t you just stop here suck it up and eke it out til death? Why look to the horizon beyond, that’s not for you, you were birthed in a harbor of hardship and must exist in a harbor of hardship like every other miserable wretch on this planet? What makes you any better or different or deserving? Head down, row your oar, eat your soggy peas.
(I do wonder if this voice is familiar to you, Reader, too?)
What I really need to do is to unfetter my eyes and unbury my heart so that I may feel into what it is I’m being called to do next.
This may be a several year process (in fact, I imagine it will be… but then again, I must remind myself humbly of the unlimited power of Grace and that I always think things will be harder than they end up being!), but it doesn’t matter initially what the “timeline” is or what the destination is. What matters now is that I simply(!) allow myself to look up from these teensy movements of pennies here to pennies there, and open to the wider vista that is calling to me. To notice the kind friend ushering me laughingly to join her on this warm, nuanced, burgeoning adventure.