Category: self-care

acting · action · courage · creativity · fear · laughter · letting go · performance · self-care

Must Be Present to Win

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

There’s a parable that goes something like this: A man in
Italy goes every day to a statue of Jesus, and prays every day, “Jesus, please
let me win the lottery, please let me win the lottery.” This man, every day
goes to the statue with the same prayer. “Please let me win the lottery.” One
day, the statue comes to life and says back, “Then buy a ticket.”
So, today I bought a ticket. Metaphorically. I threw my hat
in the ring. … Also metaphorically, I really like my hat.
If my audition back in April or so was a belly flop with my
eyes open (OUCH), then this was a belly flop with my eyes closed. So, it means,
I’ve learned 😉
On my way out, I texted several friends to say I sort of
blew it – my 2nd monologue went better than my 1st, the
first being too much of a Shakespearean tongue twister I just couldn’t get
memorized. But, that I did it.
A friend then called me and told me her story of her first
audition and not even knowing what they meant when they asked what she’d
“prepared.” And so, we learn. I learn. Sure there’s a twinge of disappointment,
but more than that twinge I feel like I now know several things: first off, I know how long it takes me to memorize something – and it’s more than 12 hours!!
Yep, I really only started to memorize today, although I chose the
monologues…yesterday? Friday? So, yeah, good to know. and then also good
information to not beat myself up. I gave it a really good go. But it was also,
as I’ve said, a week of insanity with school and work, and so, good enough is
good enough here.
I give myself an “A” for effort. And next time, perhaps I
can prepare longer in advance.
The other things I’ve learned are, a) I can show up (Hurrah!
good for me!) 🙂 b) where to get headshots done; c) I have allies.
More than any of my other times of leaping off a cliff, this
time I asked for more help, followed through on those suggestions, and
reached back out to people – this is a
newish thing for me – as I sometimes feel that if I’ve asked you for help once,
that’s it, my lifetime supply of asking that one person that one favor or for
one bout of help is used up. No more, well dry, try someone else.
That’s.Not.True. Sure, some people aren’t the giving type,
but for the most part, the people in my life are invariably giving, kind,
supportive, and generous. So, I asked for help a second time, and my acting
friend showed up for me. And you know what? She’ll probably even take my call
next time too 😉
So, that’s the end of this one round (at least I believe so – callbacks are
tomorrow, so I’ll know soon enough whether I am or not). But it’s one round,
not the match, or game, or series.
I’m also more willing this time to “fail,” which I’ve heard
is the key to any success. Being willing to stumble is the only way to learn to
walk, right? Persistence. Patience.
And maybe my next belly flop will be a cannonball instead.
(Whether that’s a “better” thing or not, I have no idea) 😉 (thank you friends, for your support)!!

abundance · courage · gratitude · joy · laughter · letting go · life · love · self-care

The girl just wants ta dance.

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

I just came back from a Keb’ Mo’ concert. if you don’t know
him or his music, I highly encourage you to youtube him. It’s delta bluesy funny + sad + honest. I don’t know how I found out about him, but I’ve been listening
to him for at least 6 years now, and he’s in my top at least 5 musicians.
The show was incredible.
He was funny and humble, and so freaking talented (a steel
guitar could melt my soul). and his voice. what emotion that man has. I actually welled up a few times in
the beginning when it was just him and his guitar – just out of pure joy and
appreciation that a man, and music, like this exist in the world.
It was wonderful. I smiled til my cheeks hurt, I stood up
with the two ladies next to me when no one was dancing yet, and just clapped
and hooted and shimmied till… well, not till anything. I just did. I just was.
I was happy.
The only downside to
any of it is that I yelled and howled so much that I think I strained my throat
and I have a vocal performance for my singing class tomorrow! But – It was so
worth it – it was worth being out on a “school night”. Worth taking BART home from the city. It was worth it
to be able to sit at the bus stop with an older African American lady who’d
been in my row at the show and gush about how just tickled pink we were.
I won’t go on about his music, but well, everyone left
feeling joyful – that was the palpable emotion. The induced and provoked and
invoked emotion. And not all music shows are like that. I do also love the harder more
rock-y stuff to dance myself out to, but that produces a way different emotion – more RWAHH!! LIFE IS LOUD AND RIGHT NOW!!! Lol, but then again, you can’t really dance to punk rock either – it’s more like snap your head in time with the fastest beat,
throw in some shoulder, and occasionally shimmy some hips. I dance at the
shows. I’m that girl now.
I used to not be – or only when I was drunk and became …
well, let’s just say lecherous and often involving Elaine-like flailing (and
falling). So when I wasn’t drinking when I went out anymore, at first I felt I
had to be “super cool” by not acting like I was into the music – which likely I
wasn’t cuz I was probably too busy thinking about what everyone was thinking
about me. Yeah, I have that kind of self-centeredness. But, it’s gotten WAY
better. And I love to dance. Perhaps I’m not a particularly good dancer (I hold
with the view that the best dancer is the person having the most fun) but I do
have rhythm of sorts and I just love to let my body just get into the stream of
the music, to just let it do what it wants to do in response to what I’m
hearing, what I’m feeling from the bass and the crowd.
So, yeah, me and two middle aged white ladies stood up and
danced. Eventually more people did too – the domino effect, because likely I’m
not the only one who thinks about what other people will think of me. But this
is certainly a period of “but do it anyway” for me.
On the way out, a guy asked me out – and I said Not right
now but thanks. On the way to BART a guy told me he liked my outfit and that he
had “nothing to follow that.” It was sweet.
It appears to be true – the happier I am, the more
approachable I am. Not that that’s the end goal – it’s just interesting to
notice.
The last thing is, Keb Mo’s last song of the encore went,
“She’s not lookin’ for a lover/She’s not lookin for Romance/The girl just wants
ta dance.” Amen.
balance · integrity · responsibility · school · self-care

“Anty needs a recharge.”

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

There’s a scene in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when the kids are riding an enormous ant through the
jungle of their backyard, and the ant starts to slow down, his antennae droop,
and the mouthy next-door neighbor kid says the above line.
My alarm went off at 6am, like it does on the 3 days I
commute from Oakland to SF for work, and you know that puffy-eyed “whoa buddy,
you do not have my permission to get up yet – tank not full” feeling?
I knew that I would have to go straight from work to school
tonight, as it’s Wednesday, and I have my Shakespeare class at night and don’t get home till 10pm – and the classes are really small, like 10 or 12
people, so I always feel the need to contribute something coherent – last week,
we went around stating what our final projects were going to be, and when we
got to me, punch-drunk with fatigue and having not given it any thought
yet, I said I would write a project where Juliet gets reincarnated as Buffy the
Vampire Slayer. 😉 I then laughed and said I was kidding, but surprisingly,
people seemed to like the idea! I don’t think I’ll do it – but it’s SO strange
to be in a class where we’re reading theory and textual criticism and analyzing
rhetorical forms, and that could actually be considered a viable final project.
We’re allowed to do a creative one, which seems so strange to me – when I was
in undergrad, your “books cited” page pretty much made your grade. That said,
my midterm was a farcical letter to Romeo (with works cited!), so…
In any case, I woke up this morning unable to face such a full day – so I called out till
noon. I said they could call me if that was a problem, and I felt guilty, but I
also knew how completely unavailable – and cranky – I am without enough sleep.
So, I went back to bed until 10am and went in to work – where I felt like a
little kid, waiting to be chastised for doing something wrong (I wish I didn’t
react like that when I stand up for my needs! – but i do), and lo and behold,
my boss was totally cool, and acted as nice to me as always, and gave me work,
and i folded fabric and booked fancy hotel rooms for other people, and that was
that. Not a big deal. People
understand that other people are human – I’m usually the one who doesn’t get
that. “I’m only human,” was my mantra as I was walking into work this morning,
feeling like a bad schoolgirl.  –
and not in the sexy way. Although I was wearing my brand new purple coat, and I
felt like the jewel colored woolen equivalent of a rock star 😉
After work, BART was late with a medical emergency, so I
missed the shuttle to school, and by this point I’m starving, as I only had
breakfast before work and some cookies at work, because I felt like I couldn’t leave to get real food because I had to “make up” for the fact I came in late.
So, I’m hungry, tired, and then the bus that I can take to school instead of
the shuttle is late – and I know I’ll be late to class, and I have
to buy food no matter what.
So … I skiv off. I didn’t go to class. Gasp.  It’s
not such an awful thing, I’ve been there every time except once when I was back
east, and I got a pretty good grade on my midterm, but, I had had it. So, I trudge up the hill to the grocery store by my house and fill up at the hot food bar on
an enormous load of heavy comfort food of creamed yams and mac&cheese and come home and collapse with an episode of Glee.
All this serves to tell me is that something’s gotta give.
I’m not sure what yet, but calling in to work late, cutting class, and
overeating to make up for malnourishment are signs to me that there’s some
aspect of self-care and balance that is seriously missing here. It may not seem
like “that big a deal,” and individually, these things are not – but I didn’t
go to class on Friday either – and I’m not paying what I’m paying in tuition to
not go to class – or to feel so depleted. Besides, I actually like school and my classes, and I want to go! It’s why I’m going in the first place!
So, I’m not sure what needs to give yet. There are only 3
more sessions of this Wednesday class before winter break. But, I don’t think I
can do what I’m doing like this anymore – even for 3 weeks – that’s three weeks
more than anyone should spend exhausted, cranky, and poorly fed. Anty needs a
recharge.   

abundance · courage · dating · joy · letting go · love · performance · responsibility · self-care

weekend update.

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

yesterday, I went to a “meditation & creative writing”
workshop with a friend from school, and although we both agreed we were ready
to leave at the lunch break, i got out some writing that needed to get out. my
friend said afterward that her qualm with workshops like those is that they
continue to bring people back into the very story they’re trying to let go of,
but for me, like I said in the “Excavation” blog, my writing isn’t about
spinning my wheels or wishing it were different anymore. I’ve found traction
on this stuff, but for me, for my process, it still needs to come up and out.
My friend/spiritual teacher lady said to me today that in
Buddhism, they talk about those things as blocks, things that are solid and we
knock up against and then back away from – and that they must become diluted
for us to move through them. And so, I hear what my friend is saying – and I
have certainly been there, simply hitting up against the bricks of my “story”,
but  – it feels different lately.
It doesn’t feel as solid, weighted, or shameful. There are still pieces that
need processing, but on the whole, I do feel I’m getting through to the other
side – the side where there is freedom and levity and possibility –
and action. To update on another item this week, I’ve scheduled phone conversations in the next week with those two working actors in SF I
mentioned – indeed giving not only voice to my desire to perform, but also
giving traction to that as well by actually putting in some action. Sure, I’m nervous
to head in this direction, as uncertain and as fraught with nay-sayers or
“realistic” people as it is (esp. when those people live in my head) – but it’s one of those internal nudges that hasn’t
gone away, and the longer that I listen to myself, the stronger it has become.
Sure enough, my electric guitar came out of the closet this
week. The bass came out with the amp a few months ago, the acoustic is out
always, as is the small keyboard that mainly gets used when i’m plunking out
notes for my singing class– but, they’re here. and like the performance thing, “singing in a rock and roll band” is not going away either, and it too is just getting
stronger. That’s another one I feel retarded talking about – like, who am i, i’m too old, too square, and what have i done and i don’t know that much music and i don’t
have enough tattoos. … but, sure, be ALL of that as it may – i still want to sing
in a band. i can fucking taste the metal of the microphone. do i know what kind
of music? – it’s becoming clearer – it’s not “pretty” singing. i don’t want to
sing pretty, I want to sing passionate – and if they intersect, which to a
point i imagine they will, then all the better, but i’m not looking to do
pretty – i’m looking to do raw. I wrote an email to a girl friend/acquaintance
lady about a year ago because i read some of her facebook updates and watched
her go through the same thing, and she emailed me back echoing that her teenage
rock girl just wouldn’t go away – and at some point we listen.
or perhaps we don’t, but that’s not my story – anymore.
so, true to CITO, my closet is getting cleared and
organized, and an entire drawer is now empty – because “the universe abhors a
vacuum”, so if you build it – or clear it – they will come. plus, I feel
mentally freer in some way, like how you feel when you go away on vacation and
know you’ll come back to a clean apartment (it was once suggested to me to put
dirty dishes in the fridge so they won’t rot when you’re away – and sadly, i
have done this!). or like in feng shui where you’re not supposed to have
anything under the bed, because even if out of sight, it is taking up “room” …
energetically 😉
to close out my updates for the week, i will also tell you
that I finally wrote that “renegotiating old agreements” letter to the cousin
this morning on my way into the city – and about an hour ago, I wrote the last line on one of the petals from the flowers I bought myself, and let it go out
the window (burning didn’t seem the “right” thing with this).
and finally, yes, I went on my blind date today – it wasn’t a disaster, and there
might be a second one. but in the meantime, i’m going to continue taking
these itty bitty actions: moving the instruments out, talking to people in the
field I want to be in, and completing exercises that help me see myself, my
blocks, and my gifts more clearly. 
Cuz, one month into being 30? Eat It, Saturn Returns! ~ I’m totally
learning my lessons on this go-round! 😛
Plus, I started those hand-made holiday cards I said I would too 😉
coffee · dating · integrity · love · self-care · sex

Sex of Rockstar and Death Rattle Varieties

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

Tomorrow I go on a b l i n d date. As in I really have no
idea what the guy I’m meeting looks like. He’s a friend of an acquaintance who emailed me on facebook to go out to coffee, and his photo is one of those
cartoon/sketches of a photo – and the rest of his photos are private.
That said, I have to be in the city tomorrow anyway – I have
mild suspicion about the suitability of this person judging from my
conversation with our mutual acquaintance – and he may or may not have an
addiction to adderall – but that’s based on circumstantial evidence – or that’s
the term they’d use on t.v.
And secondly, in favor of coffee with a stranger, why not?
It’s good to keep my dating muscles toned or at least not atrophied – my last was a date a few months ago with a near-friend. You know, that person you run in to
at shows or gatherings and always seem to flirt with obscurely in one of those
“*wink* we’re totally flirting but so totally covert about it that I’m not
actually sure if we are but I think we are and isn’t this charged ambiguity
totally exciting” kind of ways (!) – but one or the other is always in a
relationship, or you don’t want to ruin the quasi-friendship with the quagmire
of sex, or neuroses.
My date with the quasi-friend went well, but in terms of
continued romanticism, it was a case of mutual “i don’t think this is gonna
work” and luckily we both said as much a few days later, and so we still get to
be friends.
So, tomorrow’ll be my second date in … a lot of months. It’s
cool. I have a pretty good idea that I’m marinating – getting seasoned for the
right time. – I almost wrote “right now” – which is also true – as I’ve said
before, I tend to believe that once I have x y or z in place, I’ll be really
ready to be in a relationship. But, I got out of a long term one in January
that had a few death rattle trysts through August, so until I was ready to stop
beating a dead horse – or beating off an ex – just kidding – I haven’t really
been available to date anyway.
Although, about a month ago, around the time I started doing
the Calling in The One exercises, along with the Cousin contacting me out of
the deep blue, an old SF fling contacted me to say what’s up. It’s a good thing
I’m convincedly sure he’s a bad idea, because, have.mercy. that sex was awesome.
He and I “saw” each other for about a month about two years ago, and it was
like the kind of stuff you read about or see in “movies” or just fantasize
about – I actually said to him, Do you ever forget how great sex can be? (He
said no.)
But, alas, said hipster (who really wanted me to wear his
torn skinny jeans and loved that my dishware was all in some “state of decay” [I’ve recently tossed all chipped dishware…]) is not a viable option for me –
rockstar sex or not. Well, not right now at least. 
honesty · integrity · self-care

Good Idea/Bad Idea

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

Some of you might remember a weekday afternoon cartoon in
the 90s called Animaniacs. On the show
they had a segment called “Good Idea/Bad Idea” which according to my memory of
it, showed two scenarios with a strange looking animated skeleton-like fellow –
or maybe it was a mime? – who would go through two versions of the same thing with a very droll voiceover narrator who would says something like: Good Idea: Going Ice Skating in the Winter; Bad Idea: Going Ice Skating in the Summer – and other, more creative than I can come up with right now nonsense.
This afternoon, I had such a moment. Good Idea: Drinking tea
on my couch under a blanket with my new copy of Real Simple magazine, tearing out inspiration for the handmade
holiday cards I intend to make (a failed intention I’ve set several years in a
row!) with my cat curled up on my lap as it rained and was ugly outside.
Bad Idea: Later walking past the indie movie theater by my
house, and deciding to go see the about-to-start showing of Martha Marcie
May Marlene.
This was a bad idea ~ and I heard that Animaniacs voiceover tell me so as I walked back out into the cold feeling like I hadn’t breathed properly in two hours. The movie itself was wonderful in all
the ways art films are supposed to be wonderful – skilled, raw actors;
absorbing, believable plot; creative camera & sound work. But, it was also
emotionally wrenching, violent and sexually violent, tragic and concluded in a
sudden and unsettling way.
I used to have a much greater tolerance for psychological
dramas; perhaps as a way to cathartize other emotions I was having – in my
Shakespeare class this semester, we’ve done a lot of reading about the role of
theater as mass catharsis. But, lately, I just can’t really handle it. Give me
something a little less intense, wrenching, honest. Ironic then, isn’t it, that
I’ve said that my own poetry has recently become more of all of these.
Maybe as I find the ability to put words to my own drama, the
drama of others just over-flows the well. Maybe as I work to open myself and my
heart to the world, I’ve become a more tender human being.
Or maybe, I just want my entertainment to be
entertaining these days. 
I sort of am ashamed to say it, but I’ll take the fluff
right now, thank you very much. Sure, I feel like I’m no longer in a set of
intellectual elite who are discoursing on their favorite Kurosawa – but then
again, really, when was I?! I’m not a true cinefile – Don’t get me wrong, I
love movies – but I haven’t seen any Kurosawa. I *am* the kind of person who will sometimes
just walk into a cinema and see whatever happens to be playing then, but it
seems to me that ending this cozy afternoon by unknowingly walking into a tragedy about rape, murder,
and PTSD was a Bad Idea.
And (resigning to/embracing) the fact that I’ve
actually made plans to see the new Twilight
with a friend is a Good Idea. Bring on the innocuous brooding fluff!

abundance · action · coffee · finances · love · self-care

Asian Hipster Abundance

Molly Daniels HayesLeave a comment

This morning as I was trudging up from the dungeon of Montgomery Street BART, there was an asian hipster dude a few paces in front of me,
and he’s bobbin to his music, and then he’s really swaggering it, and then he
begins to bark out some phrases, and then he begins to clap with wide arm
gestures. With every increasing jaunt of his, my smile begins to get wider, and
I follow him for about a block or so, smiling to myself as a few short stints
of sunlight shine through the buildings onto my face. And I ask myself to
remember this feeling – at least for a little while.
I’m now working 3 days a week in SF as a temp at an interior
design firm. And sometimes it’s sort of cool, and I’m looking at massive design
books of ridiculously fancy homes and touching pretty fabrics from a new line –
but mostly, it’s the same admin work any admin anywhere does – cataloguing,
entering, organizing … mind-numbing, I think my eyes are bleeding work.
That said, I’m tremendously grateful to have this job.
Firstly, the people are quite excellent – at a former temp job, I had a very
“that’s my stapler” cubicle tenant adjacent to mine, and it was always a fine
line between being immensely entertained and alarmed – particularly when the
continuous murmuring monologue included sudden bouts of loud expletives.
Secondly, I’m a graduate student, living off student loans with absolutely zero
savings, and much like unemployment, student loans pay you almost enough, but really not enough. Well, not enough for
a studio apartment in the Bay Area at least – which, yes, was a conscious
choice I made rather than have roommates.
And so, when this temp job was offered to me, despite also
being a full-time student, it was like manna from heaven. I worked with this
company over the summer – it was like manna then too – and they asked for me
back. So, I’m back. I’m also babysitting, catering, and … well, yeah, that’s
it for now (although artist’s model auditions come up in January again – I
missed them last time. I auditioned with a different company once before and it
wasn’t as weird as it was simply difficult to remain super still for 20
minutes!)
So, suffice it to say that today, after a few mind numbing
hours in front of a computer screen, it was hard for me to maintain the jaunty
optimism of the asian hipster, but I’m glad to remember him and his yellow
backpack right now.
I’ve been tracking my income and expenses much more closely,
but with purpose, since August. Prior to that, about a year or more ago, I
started to track my expenses, but just got pissed at myself that I was spending
so much money on coffee. And thinking self-flagellation was not a mile-marker
on the road to serenity, and not really having any idea what to do with that
information, I stopped keeping track. But, then it was August, and I’m
contemplating ramen, canned tuna, and an empty fridge – again – it was time to address
this – again. So, I reached out to people who do this sort of thing (this
frighteningly adult sort of thing) called “having clarity around finances”, and
started to keep my numbers again. ~ and I was amused to note that in August, I
spent $8.00 on coffee. Not the omigoditmustbelike$100 paranoid number I’d
imagined!
After tracking my expenses, I work with these folks to create a spending plan. It was
surprising to learn from my friends that I was “underspending” aka depriving
myself in all sorts of categories like food, clothing, and personal items
(apparently $1.34 a month-for a toothbrush-is not an act of self care!). And
so, I’ve begun spending within my newly clarified means – confirming abundance, and also confirming the
fact that I actually *do* have this money. I just haven’t known where it is, or
where it goes, hence my whole “binge and purge” financial routine.
The advanced part of this exercise is the income plan. This means that yes, YAY! I get to buy
the fancy shampoo that is kind to my chemically straightened hair (bad idea), but
that I have to earn the appropriate income to support a habit of self-care. And
I like this new habit of
self-care – this month I actually added in a category, modest though it is, for
flowers. And there they are, right here on my desk. 🙂
So, yes, I work in a job that is more exhausting by how sedentary it is, and yes,  I
woke up this morning at 6am to write a paper and went directly from work to
class until 9:30pm tonight, but a) it won’t always be like this, b) I’m grooving
patterns of responsibility and evenness (not the mania of “how am I going to
pay my rent???”), and c) … well, I really like coffee.