In a bout of manifesty goodness (or plain coincidence, if you’re feeling cranky), performance has been floating to the top of my experience again. Last Thursday morning, my blog was about how I was feeling itchy for performance, feeling isolated in my creative endeavors, and that I wanted more engagement in the theater or music realms.
On my drive in that morning, after having told you all about that, I was on the phone with a friend and told her the same. So: I spoke my intention in writing, then I spoke it aloud.
That afternoon, I received an email from a theater company I’d auditioned for several years ago inviting me to participate in their audition workshop. Eeek. Um. Well, I don’t have anything prepared right now! I haven’t auditioned in years, and I certainly don’t have a piece ready to go. “So,” I replied, “could I come to audit the workshop?” It would be great for me to be around theater again, the language again, to glean what I could–and I’m happy to pay the cost;)
And he replied, Yes.
Later on Thursday, in preparation for an upcoming trip to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival with my 7th graders, my boss reminded me that we have an in-house Shakespeare expert in our drama teacher! And while she’ll be instrumental in helping me form ideas for my curriculum and our trip… “Well,” I asked the drama teacher, “do you ever do audition coaching?”
And she said, Yes.
I am humbled and reminded that when I am specific and intentional about my goals, they repeatedly rise to the top of my experience. I forget that sometimes it’s as simple as letting people know that I have such dreams and goals. There’s a host of helpers, seen and unseen, just waiting for me to take ownership of them.
Even if it feels silly or embarrassing or I’m not ready or I’m good enough, that’s none of my business, frankly! My only role is to tell the truth. Show up. And play this ongoing game of Fluxx.
I asked J if we could schedule a “family meeting” for this weekend to set down our goals for 2019… and he agreed(!). So, yesterday afternoon, all cozy as the wild wind blew rain and leaves around the house, we took out our calendars and J began to take notes.
As J and I continue pondering whether or not to have children together, I have to look at my personal history of focus.
We finally had our Goals Group call again last night. It had been several weeks, folks out of town, my cross country final “meet.” And it was like an oasis.
I was able to share on a phone call yesterday some of my fears about “going into hiding.” I told them how I’d done this flurry of work, inspired to send out this essay recently to magazines for publication … and then how it was published! … and then I stopped writing my blog for a few days because I got scared (of what, it’s hard to say).
While many actions I’m taking are to strengthen the net around moving toward my goals, it’s become clear that plain “accountability” isn’t enough for me in some cases.
There is some seed sprouting or thread emerging along my internal lines of desire for design. Particularly hospitality design, particularly high-end boutique design. (The reflection upon which brought startling tears during meditation this morning, but enough on that.)
In some reading or other, I learned about the difference between Wishes, Dreams, and Goals. As I remember it:
Yesterday afternoon, I had the first call of my new Goals Group. Like the last one I participated in, we’ll have a group phone call wherein we’ll walk through a series of weekly assigned questions—about our vision for our lives, our goals, a specific goal, what blocks us from this goal, how we can accept help to overcome these blocks, and how we will maintain these (generally spiritual) connections to ensure we continue actions toward fulfilling our vision.
Owning Voice 